swfchan: BASEBALL.swf (info)

Text

an interactive mystery

Baseball
Ballyhoo!

You Adventure #1

click here
to start
the game!

authored by:
kevin "cakewalk" bowen

<A HREF="http://www.firemancomics.com">internet web page</A>

<A HREF="mailto:kevin@bowen.com">internet electronic </A><A HREF="mailto:kevin@bowen.com">mailbox</A>

Major League Baseball
1500 Blood Drive
Kansas, Montana 14468

Date__________

309902304852923456057

Pay to the
Order of_________________________________ $

Memo ___________________

_________________________

080808:49851254 84684864 05618 0884688

___________________________________________ Dollars

scene

skip

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skip

HERE IS THE DEAL!

You are You! Today, you've decided
to take over Major League Baseball!
Your noble quest is to accomplish
this task and win the game! There
is only one path to victory!

let's go!!!

MAJOR LEAGUE
BASEBALL.

10
Million \ YR

7
Million \ YR

6
Million \ YR

3
Mill

12
Mill

6
Mill

8
Mill

4 Mill

9 Mill
(works
every 5
days)

$60 to sit
here
(haha
suckers!)

WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?

Ask Bud Selig for
a Vanilla Coke

Try to Seduce
Bud Selig

Tell a Story About
Your Aunt

INSTRUCTIONS:
Just click on the red button
next to the choice you
want, retard.

<A HREF="mailto:kevin@bowen.com">email complaints</A>

YOU LOST!!

try again

Bud Selig became "Blood Sealeg" and sucked all the blood
out of your body through a small hole in your neck. This
caused you to have trouble living, and your limp skin and
bone candy shell eventually decided that it all wasn't worth
the bother. Bud Selig owns the
Milwaukee Brewers so he's also an
alcoholic. I hope you learned your
lesson: don't drink and die!

THE END

CENSORED

NICE JOB!!

After nine hours of poorly animated rape, Bud Selig finally
relented and signed papers turning control of Major League
Baseball over to you. Anally violating an older gentleman
proved to be more physically taxing than
you anticipated, so you went home and
got some sleep before returning the next
day to begin your new career in earnest.
And not the kind of earnest that goes to
camp or saves Christmas.

Implement a
Salary Cap

Write Yourself a
Huge Check

Give Bud Selig a
Call to See How
He's Doing

Disagree: Vanilla
Coke Rules!

Tell Bud You Play
For The Brewers

Agree: Mountain
Dew Code Red
Rocks Extreme!

Throw a Fastball

Entertain the
Crowd

Ask the Shortstop
if he likes He-Man
or Transformers

You were hypnotized to death by communist babysitter
Joseph Stalin. Your loyalty to Vanilla Coke did not sit well
with members of the Extreme Mountain Dew Code Red
Army. You will pay for your crimes against the Marxist-
Leninist pipefitting union with you rotting
slowly into nothing by the people's
McDonald's. Also, Vanilla Coke sucks and
was originally a battery acid designed to
cure cannibals of the trots.

Start Heckling
Yourself

If there's one thing Bud Selig can't stand, it's low self-
esteem. By heckling yourself, you're telling the world "hey,
I'm not so great." And that's a poor attitude to have, you
retarded spittoon mouth. Thus, you were ejected from
both the game and from life by Bud Selig
as a crowd of nearly 3,000 cheered
him on. The taxpayers may have paid for
the stadium you pitched in, but they did
not pay for your tombstone.

Honeymoon at
Niagara Falls

Honeymoon in
Vegas

Use the Phone to
Order Pizza

First of all, only the whitest of white trash honeymoons at
Niagara Falls these days. Secondly, they tend to
consummate their marriage in cheap hotels, rather than
practice their baby-making in the Niagara Falls themselves.
Bud would have loved, honored, and obeyed you for life,
but you fell for the falls and now
you're sleeping with the barrels. And dead.
Hope you learned your lesson!

HERE LIES
Pepperoni
& Sausage

When most people want to order pizza, they call a pizza
delivery place. You, being retarded, tried to order a pizza
pie from your future husband, Bud Selig. This was not a
very good idea and Bud did not take kindly to your social
ineptitude. In many countries, asking your bride-to-be for
any sort of food immediately after
proposing is grounds for termination via
robots. God bless America!

Walk Off The
Screen To Your
Right

Moron. Coming in as a relief pitcher and throwing a first
pitch fastball is about the dumbest thing one could possibly
do. That's exactly what the hitter is expecting. Next time,
throw a change-up or at least a split-fingered slider! After
losing the game, you became the goat
and were treated as such: you were
fed to schoolchildren. Your final MLB
stats? 0-1, 0 IP, 9.00 DOA!

GAMBLING
ESTABLISHMENT

Looks like You really "lost his head" in Vegas! That's because
it was shot off by a sub-par Chris Tucker impersonator.
While Chris Tucker is best known as Jackie Chan's comedic
ethnic foil in the "Rush Hour" movies, he's also been in
other films. The only movie you'll be in is a snuff film,
because those are movies for zombies. After witnessing
your murder, your blushing bride - unlike Bruce Wayne - did
not become Batman. Instead he just morphed into a bat
and flew away. Your body was sold at a thrift shop for $1.

Your unsuccessful attempt to implement a salary cap was
matched by a successful attempt to shatter your kneecaps.
Doctors thought about trying to fix you up, but they
decided to just to put you to sleep. It was stupid of you
even suggest the idea of a salary cap anyway: baseball isn't
about fairness it's about spending
millions of dollars to watch grown men
stand around on grass or dirt. Now you're
under the dirt they play on.

Writing yourself a huge check with huge check wasn't a bad
idea, but using Magic Marker to do so was. The massive
amounts of Magic Marker ink You used resulted in an
abundance of toxic fumes. You sucked these fumes into
your lungs to mark your permanent
demise. Checkmate, chucklehead!

Accuse He-Man
of Being Gay

Discuss Toy
Construction

Sing the
Transformers
Theme Song

What is wrong with You? Are you some sort of gay basher?
Making fun of homosexuals is not cool. And it's also passé.
Calling someone a fag just isn't very insulting anymore.
That's why rainbow pride spoiled your day by crushing You
to death. You really need to be more
sensitive and open-minded. Besides,
the more gay men the better: more
action for us straights! You dead maggot
faggot.

I spy a guy with no eye! By singing the Transformers theme
song, you were basically politely requesting that the
shortstop remove your sense of sight. Without the aid of
vision and being able to see, you were doomed to a life of
eternal darkness and furious frustration.
You also had a finger stuck in your
eye and a new friend. That new friend's
name? Suicide. You only met once.

YOU WIN!!!

wowzas!

Congratulations! Your inspirational speech and finely tuned
debating skills saved Major League Baseball. The switch to
Aluminum baseball bats not only resulted in more crowd-
pleasing pitcher decapitations, but also an increase in
scoring and neat "ping-ping" sounds. Under the careful
guidance of Optimus Prime, the MLB
flourished. By the year 2193, the MLB
ruled the world and the Deceptions were
but a forgotten memory. Just like you.

There are some things in life so beautiful that merely
gazing upon them for an instant will make you want to kill
yourself. Unfortunately, you stared at one of those things
for like two seconds, so you actually followed through on
that credo. Why would you bother to see
what was over there? You had no
right to look right, you had no right of
way. Did you go directly to hell? Right
on, right away.

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Symbol 240 Button	Uses:70 235 236 237 238 239	Used by:Timeline
Symbol 241 Text	Uses:12	Used by:Timeline
Symbol 242 Button	Uses:53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60	Used by:Timeline
Symbol 243 Text	Uses:12	Used by:Timeline
Streaming Sound 1	Used by:Timeline

Labels

"StartFrame"	Frame 1
"IfEndFrameLoaded"	Frame 9
"GoToStartFrame"	Frame 10
"StartMovie"	Frame 15
"EndFrame"	Frame 4878