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LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT U.S. PRESIDENTS

by Neil Cicierega, American Patriot

GEORGE WASHINGTON

Before becoming a founding father, George Washington was
a down-on-his-luck figure ice skater with a heart of gold.

JOHN ADAMS

Due to a hunting accident, John Adams was unable to speak for
his entire term. He communicated through vague hand gestures.

THOMAS JEFFERSON

Thomas Jefferson used chocolate to lure innocent children into
burning buildings. To this day he has never been apprehended.

JAMES MADISON

For several months after his death in 1439, James Madison's ghost
reportedly lingered around the chutney factory where he was born.

JAMES MONROE

James Monroe kept a secret dream diary. Historians have
recovered it and confirmed that he would often have passionate
fantasies of John C. Calhoun wearing nothing but a silk bathrobe.

JOHN QUINCY ADAMS

Although he was raised by former president John Adams, John
Quincy Adams' biological father was in actuality a Brazilian merchant
with mysterious goat legs (which, to Mrs. Adams' relief, were not genetic.)

ANDREW JACKSON

On a whim, Andrew Jackson once gathered every distinguished gentleman
he could find into his bedroom and screamed obscenities until they all left.

MARTIN VAN BUREN

Not only was Martin Van Buren the first Black
President, he was the first female President as well.

WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON

Although William Henry Harrison's Presidential term lasted only a
single month, during the period he managed to bed more chicks
than JFK and Woodrow Wilson combined, in their whole lives.

JOHN TYLER

John Tyler was one of only nineteen Presidents to have owned a
magnetic poetry set. Many of his endearing poems have been
plagiarized and set to music by rock and roll band Aerosmith.

JAMES POLK

James Polk's name has been immortalized by the popular
phrase, "That's just one Polk away from an assload of Polk."

ZACHARY TAYLOR

President Zachary Taylor's tendency to wander around the
White House in an opium-induced stupor wearing only
a strategically placed nightcap was not highly publicized.

MILLARD FILLMORE

As if his first and last names weren't shameful and awkward
enough, Millard Fillmore's middle name was Package.

FRANKLIN PIERCE

In his four year term, Franklin Pierce thwarted
and dismembered 285 ninja assassins.

JAMES BUCHANAN

James Buchanan resigned from Presidency in 1961. His resignation
speech was so emotional and touching that nobody had the heart
to tell him that his term had ended an entire century prior.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

Abraham Lincoln had two sets of genitalia, both male.

ANDREW JOHNSON

Andrew Johnson never once set foot inside the White House.
Instead, he performed his Presidential duties from
within a giant, hollow watermelon in Mexico.

ULYSSES S. GRANT

The last words of Ulysses S. Grant were, "Use my corpse
for a sled." Unfortunately, his body spontaneously
combusted moments later, and his wish was never fulfilled.

RUTHERFORD B. HAYES

Rutherford Hayes achieved Presidency not by vote, but by voodoo.

JAMES GARFIELD

When he was a young man, James Garfield was said to desire nothing more
than a full head of hair and an unlimited supply of ox blood. This explains
his support of the 409th Amendment, which states that the current President
shall be allowed a full head of hair and an unlimited supply of ox blood.

CHESTER ARTHUR

"Chester Arthur" was a pseudonym. His actual name
was Norman Schelmitsen, aka "The Stockholm Sadist."

GROVER CLEVELAND

In public, Grover Cleveland donned a rotating bow tie, pre-dating
the one seen in the film Pee-Wee's Big Adventure by nine years.

BENJAMIN HARRISON

Every Halloween, the skull of Benjamin Harrison rises from its
grave, spins around three times, then plunges back into the
earth. It's happened on Canada Day a couple of times, too.

Hey, I already did him. You can't just come back for
more like that, you know what I'm saying, Groveman?

WILLIAM MCKINLEY

William McKinley was impeached in 803 B.C. after
being accused of sexually assaulting a circus clown.

THEODORE ROOSEVELT

Theodore Roosevelt came up with the name "America"
in 1902. Prior to that everybody had referred to our
country as either "Jesusland" or "Englandsucksville."

WILLIAM H. TAFT

William Taft's mustache was generally considered to be a step
up from Theodore Roosevelt's. Roosevelt declined comment.

WOODROW WILSON

All of Woodrow Wilson's pants were custom made to
accentuate his left buttock and de-emphasize his right.

WARREN HARDING

To this day, Warren Harding still holds the record of
the most days of Presidency spent locked up in the
Oval Office making funny faces in front of a mirror.

CALVIN COOLIDGE

Calvin Coolidge voted for himself 1,900 times and even admitted
it, but the public didn't care because he was just so cool.

HERBERT HOOVER

While visiting France, Herbert Hoover thought he had accidentally killed the
French Prime Minister and blamed it on Zorro. In the end, it turned out
that the man he killed was a mere street performer. Hoover and his
bodyguards all had a good laugh afterwards.

TERRY TINKLESON

Terry Tinkleson was briefly elected into office merely to complete the
catchy-name trifecta started by Calvin Coolidge and Herbert Hoover.

FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT

A school textbook published in 1992 accidentally switched
the names of Franklin D. Roosevelt and Adolph Hitler. In
1994 it was recalled, but the damage was done.

HARRY TRUMAN

Harry Truman's initial objective was to disband the Amish Mafia. After
failing miserably, he quickly changed his focus to easier tasks, such as tying
his shoes, and even tying other people's shoes. By 1952 he could tie two shoes
at once, with his eyes closed. The American people remember Harry
Truman as one of the greatest US Presidents of all time.

DWIGHT EISENHOWER

Dwight Eisenhower invented ska.

JOHN F. KENNEDY

The legacy of John F. Kennedy, or "JFK" as they called him on the streets,
bears several striking coincidences with that of Abraham Lincoln. For
example, both Lincoln and Kennedy were assassinated by each other;
Kennedy's middle name was Fitzgerald, and Lincoln's middle name was
Fitzpatrick; both men's last words were "G'ahhh!!" And most astonishing
of all, they were both Presidents of the same country. AMERICA.

LYNDON JOHNSON

Lyndon B. Johnson was allergic to almonds,
goat dander, and Swedish prostitutes.

RICHARD NIXON

After resigning from Presidency, Richard Nixon enjoyed a
brief career as an offensive lineman for the San Francisco 49ers. In
1981 he died of a catnip overdose in his Hollywood penthouse.

GERALD FORD

Gerald Ford had spaghetti for dinner last night, and
he liked it. He says he'd like to have spaghetti more often.

JIMMY CARTER

The face of Jimmy Carter was used for the mold to create the
mask worn by Michael Myers in the film "Austin Powers 2."

RONALD REAGAN

According to a pie chart, or possibly some other type of chart or
perhaps even a graph, during the years Ronald Reagan spent in
office, the rate of autoerotic asphyxiation related deaths reached
its highest point in over five million years.

GEORGE H.W. BUSH

George Bush created and patented a pair of underwear made out of
Twizzlers. He wore them on the day of his Pagan wedding to Barbara Pierce.

WILLIAM CLINTON

William Jefferson Clinton was 100% certain that he had all the powers
of The Hulk, he just never got angry enough to see them in action.

H. ROSS PEROT

For one glorious night in 1995, William Clinton allowed H. Ross Perot to
fill in as President while Clinton stepped out for a cigar. Luckily, Perot was
too dang giddy from sitting in the chair to make any legislative decisions.

GEORGE W. BUSH

Uh, he choked on a pretzel, dude. I'm not gonna make fun of him. Don't
you know what it's like, to choke on a pretzel? You don't? Well here! HERE!
Now you do! Not so funny when that pretzel's blocking YOUR oxygen, is it?

BY NEIL CICIEREGA, AMERICAN PATRIOT, 2003

Vote for Urkel!

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