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Episode_IV_as_it_Should_have_Been_-_by_John_Cheese.swf

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Warning!  This file is not for little kids or people
who are easily offended.  It contains adult language
and adult subject matter.  If you are under 17, please
go away.
--John Cheese

Pyoo!  Pyoo!

Holy mother of shit!  We’re all gonna fuckin’ die!

And if we’re gonna die, I think it’s only fair that I let you
know... I took a piss in your oil bath.

Beep beep bop boop beep!

No, it wasn’t an accident.  I hate you, and I wanted you
to bathe in my urine.

Beep bop beep beep.

I know robots don’t urinate.  I stole some from the waste
facility.  You’ve bathed in the urine of a thousand men.
And you loved it.

C3PO, this is God.  Listen up.  You’ve been a douchebag.
A dirty, filthy douchebag, and now you gots to pay for
your... douchebaggery.

I just wanted you to know that innocent men will die for
your actions today.

But you will be spared so that you may reflect on what you
have done.  Your guilt shall be your punishment.

Yo, seriously, that isn’t necessary.  I’m sure he regrets
what he’s done.

That son of a bitch.  My pillow has smelled like a human
turd for a solid week.

WHOOSH!

It’s God!  Aim for his head!

Pyoo, pyoo, pyoo!

Pyoo, pyoo!

KHAAAAAN!

Man, I love doing that.  The surviving members will be
blaming that retarded robot for months.

No, just put it under your tongue and let it melt.  I promise
that when this shit kicks in, you’ll be seeing God.

Shit! Cops!  Everybody just stay cool.

You want me to take a crap in my hand and throw it at
them?  Because I will.

Beep beep bop boop.

I know that, penis sheath.  I saved some when I robbed the
waste storage level.

The princess is over by the escape pods!  Please stop
choking the shit out of me!
Lord Vader, he’s telling the truth.  We’ve sent down units
to pick her up already.

I’m not interested in the princess.  What I am interested in
is the giant erection that choking this guy is giving me.

Every time I hear bone crunch, I feel a little joy-tickle
shoot through my Darth Boner.

Every inch this guy rises off the floor is another inch added
to my flesh-saber.

And judging from that distance, you can all start referring
to me as Darth Holmes.

Mmmmm.  By the time I’m finished here, my pecker is
gonna need a helmet and cape of its own.

Awwwww yeah.  Aw, shit!  Oh, oh, OH, OH!  *Thud*

I’m gonna need some napkins.

Alright.  You two queers just keep your cock-suckers shut,
and I won’t have to kill anybody today.  You got that?

I smell stale, human waste.  They’re close.  Set your
blasters to date-rape.

There she is!  *Bzzzrrrt!*

Man, that was awesome.  Ten bucks says she’s not wearing
any panties.

She won’t be in about thirty seconds.

You know the one good thing about being in an escape pod,
R2?  It’s that whole not-getting-shot-or-raped part.  Well,
at least the not getting shot part.
Beep bop beep?
*Ziiip*  Shut up and turn around, slut.  It’s gonna be a long
ride, and you’ve got nowhere to run.

Darth Vader.  I should have known it was you.

Yes, it is me, young Leia.  Dark and menacing Darth Vader.
I strike fear into the hearts of all who oppose me.  The only
thing that could possibly make me less frightening is if
someone made three movies about my childhood, pointing
out how much of a retarded, non-threatening pussy I used
to be.

Jew!

Take her to the prison and punch her in the neck.  I’d do it
myself, but I’m her father.  Don’t tell her I said that,
though.  She’s not supposed to find out until 1983.

If I get even the slightest bit tired, I’m making you carry
me.

Ok, I’m tired.  REGULATOR... mount up!

Bop bop boop beep beep beep.
You ungrateful little bastard.  What did I tell you would
happen if you ever talked to me like that again?

I’m going back to the pod to get my dick extension.

When I’m finished with you, you’ll be burping up droid glans
for a week, you little-  Hey, where are you going?

Beep bop beep beep fuck you.

Sir, a cock ring.  Judging from the markings, I’d say one
rebel droid was raping another, and they were soon
separated due to a comical verbal skirmish.
Well, let’s find the nearest Jawa transporter and kill
everything on board.  You got any gum?

I’m not saying he’s gay or anything.  I’m just saying that
this one here will suck your dick like a French-Canadian.

Luke, make sure he gets one with fisting protocol, too.

Aunt Beru wants an R2 unit.
God, she's such a slut.

Hey!  Why’d you stop suc- Hey, porn!

Man, she’s totally hot.  If it turned out she was my sister,
I’d feel like such a sack of shit for staring at her like this.

Oh, no!  It looks like I dropped my towel.  I’d better bend
over to get it.

That boy has got to get a girlfriend.  He’s been in that
garage with the pleasure droids for six hours straight.

I hate him and everything he stands for.  He’ll soon be
dead, and we’ll be all the happier.

Dudes, I’m right here.  Man, fuck you guys.  I’m goin’ to
get another rim-job from that fagbot.

I wasn’t crapping in your lawn mower’s gas tank!  Please
don’t deactivate me!

No, that’s Uncle Owen’s.  Feel free.  Has that R2 unit
returned from slaughtering innocent townsfolk, like I asked
it to do?
No, I’m afraid not, sir.  He said something about “fuck you
fags” and disappeared.

Shit.  If I don’t find that little droid, Owen will beat me in
the neck with a cactus.  We’re going to have to go look for
him first thing in the morning.  I’d go out now, but there’s
an awesome episode of “Extreme Home Makeover” on
tonight, and my TiVo is screwed.

Beru, I was thinking... In the morning, after Luke goes into
the bathroom and pretends to not be masturbating to gay
porn, whaddaya say we fake our own deaths and skip the
country?

Ok, I’m going to bed.  You just stand there and continue to
be high.

Dude, this sucks.  We’ve been cruisin’ for six hours, and I
haven’t seen bitch one.

Why you gotta act like a bitch?  I had to spend the last of
my allowance on gas, and now I can’t afford to buy the
poison to put in Uncle Owen’s beer.

AAAHHHGG!  There’s a spider on your chest!

*Thud!*

*Whop!  Whop!  Whop!  Whop!  Whop!  Whop!  Whop!
Whop!  Whop!*

AAAHHHGG!  It’s not dead!

*Whop!  Whop!  Whop!  Whop!  Whop!  Whop!  Whop!
Whop!  Whop! Whop!  Whop! Whop!  Whop! Whop!*

*Whop!  Whop!  Whop!  Whop!  Whop!  Whop!  Whop!
Whop!  Whop!  Whop!  Whop!  Whop!  Whop!  Whop!  Whop!
Whop!  Whop! Whop!  Whop! Whop!  Whop! Whop! Whop!*

.....

Thank God I got here in time.  He nearly killed that spider.

Ben.  Thank God.  I’ve been itchin’ for a fix.  Can you hook
a brotha up?

You a cop?

Dude.  You’ve known me my whole life.  You know I’m not
a cop.

Just making sure.  Because you know that if you’re a cop,
and I ask you, you have to tell me, right?  It’s the law.

No, I’m cool, Ben.  So you got any smack on you or what?
Yeah, I have your fix.  We’ll have to go back to my house to
get it, though.

Awwww yeah, 3P0.  Get ready to fly Mexican Airlines, baby.

You feelin’ this yet, Ben?  ... ... Ben?

Huh?  Oh, I was just thinking about... sand.  Sand, man.
That’s some wild shit right there.  Just think about it.  It’s
blowing my mind.

What the fuck are you talking about?

... ... ... Sand.

Man, I’m so high.

There’s got to be some Twinkies in here somewhere.

Hey, a weapon.

Your father wanted you to have this when you were old
enough.  If I hadn’t accidentally just found it right in front
of you, I would have kept it for myself.

It’s a lightsaber.  The weapon of a Jedi.  I took it off of your
father’s cold, dead corpse after I stopped giggling.

It was just one of those moments where you suddenly
remember something funny, but it’s a situation where you
aren’t supposed to laugh.  He’s laying there all dying and
trying to tell me his last words, and I’m trying so hard to
keep a straight face.

You knew my father?

Knew him?  Hell, I’m the one who killed him.  Not for any
big reason or anything.  I was just really bored.

Hey, porn!

Yeah, I was watching that earlier.  Hey, if you found out
that chick was your sister, would you still bone her?

Hmmm.  That’s a tough one.  The morality of the whole
thing is-

Yes.  Yes, I probably would.

Ok, let me tell ya what Like a Virgin's about.  It's all about
this cooze who's a regular fuck machine.  I'm talking,
morning, day, night, afternoon, Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick,
dick, dick, dick, dick.

How many dicks is that?

A lot.

Then one day she meets a John Holmes motherfucker, and
it's like, whoa baby.  I mean, this cat is like Charles Bronson
in "The Great Escape." He's diggin' tunnels.  Now she's
gettin this serious dick action, she's feelin' something she
ain't felt since forever. Pain. Pain.

Chew? Toby Chew? No.

It hurts. It hurts her. It shouldn't hurt.  You know, her
pussy should be Bubble-Yum by now.  But when this cat
fucks her, it hurts. It hurts like it did the first time.  You see
the pain is reminding a fuck machine what is was once like
to be a virgin.  Hence, "Like a Virgin."

I hate you so much.

Yeah?  Well, you eat your own boogers.

No.  You do!

You, good sir, are a stupidhead.

Suck my force!

Aahhgg!  *Gag*

Johnny, it looks like you have a little something on your
neck there.  Oh, that’s right, it’s my force!

Duder.  For real.  He’s my wife's cousin.  You kill him and
she's gonna be pissed at me.

Ok...  But I don’t eat my own boogers.

*Gasp*

Nice shooting, Luke.  You’ll be a Jedi in no time.

Now, there’s only two things left to destroy, and you will
have proved yourself worthy of Jedi training.

Cool!   Be right back!

Well, lookie what we got here, boys.  We done gots ourselves
a couple o’ faggots!  Is that what you boys is?  A couple o'
butt pirates?

You want to fuck right off.

I think we should fuck right off.

You will strip naked and spank each others’ asses on the
town square, screaming, “I’M MADONNA!  I’M MADONNA!”

Well, we were kind of planning on doing that anyway.

We’re looking for a ship.  One that can tear ass and is
wicked awesome.

We hear you have such a ship.

5,707 cc.  5.7 liter, 12 V mid engine with 87 mm bore,
80 mm stroke, 10 compression ratio, double overhead cam,
variable valve timing/camshaft and four valves per cylinder.
It’ll tear ass, cracker.  What’s in it for me?

Six dollars.

Ok.  It’s just around the corner in the parking garage.  It’s
the one with “Pussy Wagon” painted on the side.  You can’t
miss it.  I’ll meet you there.

Going somewhere, Solo?
No, actually, I was taking the Wookie with me.

Your joke infuriates me, and now I will kill you with this gun
that I am pointing at you.

I am almost ready to pull the trigger.  And now that you
know what I am about to do, it would be perfectly justifiable
for you to fire upon me first, without waiting for me to shoot.

I would never, ever, in a thousand years fire my blaster at
someone without them shooting first.  It is neither moral,
nor reputable.

I just want you to know, however, that I am reaching for my
gun under this table while we are talking.  Just giving you
plenty of warning because not doing so would make me an
evil bad guy.

Ok, I understand what you are doing, and I want to let you
know that since I am fully prepared for your actions, your
character would not be tarnished if you were to-

Pyoo!

Cunt.

There’s a quarter.  Bring his corpse into the back office so I
can fuck it before I leave.

I thought I smelled a Jew.

Ah, Princess.  As racist as ever, I see.  Your bigotry does not
faze me, however.

Jew.

You’ll be wise to watch your mouth, cracker.

Oh, I’m sorry.  Am I getting to your little Jew brain?  Did I
distract you from your precious wallet?

Pull my finger.
Ok.

Oh no.

Are you Ok, Ben?

It’s as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror.  And
then were blown the fuck right on up by a giant laser beam.

Whatever.  I’m gonna play some more tetherball.

Reach out with your feelings, Luke.  A Jedi feels the force
flowing through-

GODDAMNIT!  Will you shut up?  Every time you speak, you
fuck me up and I get shot in the dick!

What the hell?  Alderaan is gone.

RRRHHUUUUHHRRR...

A ship?  What’s it doing out this deep in space?  It must be
heading for that small moon.
That’s no moon.  It’s a Playstation.

Awesome.  I’m going in.  I gotta take a piss, anyway.

They’ve stopped in to use the shitter, my lord.
Well, ok.  But after they’re done, kill them all.

You guys about done in there?  There are other people on
board, you know!

Don’t answer him.  The force tells me that they’re planning
on being assholes to us as soon as we flush.

I know it’s an employees-only bathroom, but did they really
have to make us put on these uniforms?

R2, get your dick out of there!

No, wait.  He says that fineass bitch from the porn is here.

Really?  Can he tell if she’s doing anal right now?

You guys stay here and try to figure that out.  I must find her
right away.  And I must go alone... for your... safety.  Yes,
for your safety.
But, Ben.  It will be dangerous.  We could help you.

Don’t be cock-blocking.  I must go alone.

Don’t worry, Luke.  The force shall be with you!  Just stay
there and keep... you know... learning the force or
something.

There’s no way in hell I’m letting that old, wrinkled penis
anywhere near her openings.  Let’s go check the prison.  In
every porn I’ve ever seen, if there happens to be a prison,
you can guarantee that there’s some sex happening nearby.

Buuuurrp!

By the time that turd figures out that there’s no such thing
as the force, I’ll be balls deep in princess ass.

Lord Vader sent us up here to slaughter everyone on this
level and have sex with the princess.

I wasn't notified of this.  I’ll have to check your clearance.

Pyoo!  Pyoo!  Pyoo!

Pyoo!  Pyoo!

That was awesome.  My dick is hard just from the killing itself.
I’m gonna go find me a slut.

You’re a little tall to be a Jew, aren’t you?

Shut up slut.  You’re about to gargle some Jedi nuts!  Open
wide!

Obi Wan is here.  And he’s cruisin’ for a bruisin’.

Are you sure?  I didn’t feel the urge to put a lock-box around
my crotch.

Oh, I’m sure.  So why don’t you spend a little less time being
a bitch and a little more time sending some troops to bust
some caps in his ass?

Nigga, please.

For real, yo.

Luke, they’re pyooing at us!

We’re trapped.  Quick, start licking my balls!

We love you, Seattle!  Are you ready to Rock?!

Alright, you idiots.  I’m out of here.  If either of you want all
up in this, you’ll follow me.

You led us to the garbage dump?  You kinky little slut!

Wait a minute... You’re not going to fuck either of us, are
you?  You’re just in this to save your own life.

Great.  Chewie just took a crap.

ARRRRGGG!

You dumb bastard!  That was the voice code to start the
trash compactor!

I call out to you, Satan, father of lies!  Please save our lives,
and I will kill in your name for the rest of my existence!

It is me, my son.  I have heard your pleas, and I shall save
your pathetic lives.

Hello, Satan!  Are you ready to rock?!

If you’re going to do that every time you get on the comlink,
I’m not going to save you.

I can’t hear you, Satan!  Are you ready to rock?!  Lemme
hear you make some nooiiiise!

Oh, screw it.  Shut down the compactor.  By the time he
figures out I’m really not Satan, we’ll have him robbed and
sold on the slave market.

Oh, man, that was awesome.  Definitely worth the wait.

You ain’t shittin’!

I told you, I thought it was Leia’s finger!  I never would have
sucked it if I knew it was-

Ok, it’s in the past.  Let’s forget about it.  It’s only skin.

That’s easy for you to say.  You’re not the one who’ll be
coughing up hairballs for the next week.

No, I’ll be shitting them.  I said drop it.

Oh, shit!

AHHHHHHHH!

Dude.  They were just going to the bathroom.  Didn’t you see
their uniforms?

Whoa!  My crotch almost fell off.  Here, hold it to make sure
that doesn’t happen again.

You sick bastard.  You took a shower.  Why is there still lube
on it?

Eeeeeek!

Battle makes me so horny.  If it turned out that you were my
brother, I’d so totally still make out with you.

If those pukes got laid before I did, I’ll kill myself right in front
of them.

Obi Wan Kenobi.  You make my dick itch.

Darth Vader.  I’ve shit turds bigger than you.

Yo mamma so fat... when she gets up from... she don’t even
know.... she... she doesn’t even... she’s STUPID!

Nice.  Did you just think that up just now?  Your snaps are
weak, old man.

Shut up!  You shut up your stupid face!

Bbvvrrm cshhh!

Csshhh cshhh!

When last we met, I was but a learner.  Now, I am the
master.

Yeah, a master of being a huge dick-licker.  OH, SNAP!

Cshh cshhh cshh!

Quick!  Morpheus is fighting Neo!
Wrong movie, jackoff.

Cshhh Cshhh!  Suck the force, Obi Wan!  You suck it long,
and you suck it hard!

Those filthy little bastards.  They did have sex.

Well, my word is my word.

Vrrrmmp!

Whoosh.

Buuuurp!

Pyoo!  Pyoo!  Pyoo!  Run away, Luke.  The heart of a true
Jedi is filled with cowardice.  Fear is what makes you powerful.

Vrrrrooom!

Man, I’m not used to this handle.  I like the Xbox version
better.

BOOM!

Hahaha!  Death is fun!

Hahaha!  Wheeee!  I’ve got a huge kill-boner right now!

OH!  Eat murder, whore!

Quick, while they’re mercilessly killing people, cram one up
my rosebud.

You ever touch my wookie again, and I’ll brush your teeth
with a wood-file.

I hate to tell you this, but that wookie had a 16 inch
peacemaker standing at attention before I even touched him.

......

So... uh...  If you don’t want to or something, I’ll totally
understand... but, uh... do you think you could use the force
to... you know... score me some Whitesnake tickets?

Ok, listen up, peckers, because I’m only gonna go through
this once.

LUCAS AARON SKYWALKER!  Wake your ass up this instant!

Ok, ignore the fact that I didn’t make use of our unbelievably
advanced technology, and pretend that these dots on the
screen represent the Death Star.  We’re naming it that after
Frank’s eighth grade metal band.

Ok, ignore the fact that I didn’t make use of our unbelievably
advanced technology, and pretend that these dots on the
screen represent the Death Star.  We’re naming it that after
Frank’s eighth grade metal band

Had I used Power Point instead of that shitty Linux-based
program that our computers come standard with, this
checkerboard-looking thingy would look less like a mesh fence
and more like the surface of the Death Star.

JACOB MICHAEL TANNER!  Is that gum in your mouth?  Put
it in the trash!

Now, these squiggly looking deals here have something to do
with your target.  However, since this shitty, shitty program
doesn’t come with a label feature, you’re going to have to try
to imagine that the target is made of some sort of metal, and
it is located somewhere on the space station.

BENJAMIN ALLEN JACKSON!  There will be no cold stares of
wanton, violent lust and thoughts of inevitable rape in my
classroom!  Is that understood?

Now, before we go any further, I want you all to know that
this mission will be unbelievably dangerous.  Some of you will
not be returning.  And though the fate of the very planet itself
rests in your hands, I want you to know that if you choose to
leave, you will not be shamed.

I said I was sorry, dude.  I sincerely thought you said
“White Lion.”  Hell, I didn’t even know they still played.  I’m
sure it’ll still be a good concert.

*Sigh*  I hear Ratt is coming to town next week...
You have my attention.

Hey, man.  About that thing that happened earlier...

Don’t sweat it, kid.  I told you, it isn’t going to get weird.

It was fun, and you shouldn’t have any regrets.  I don’t.

So you’re saying it didn’t mean anything?  At all?

Come on.  Don’t be like that.  You know it meant something.
They all mean at least a little something.

So that’s what I am, huh?  Just another piece of meat to add
to your collection.

Goodbye, Han.

Not a word, Wookie.  Not a single fucking word.

Don’t sweat him.  He’s just a filthy, filthy Jew.

I know, but... Oh, sometimes, he just makes me feel so...
unpretty.

Well, I love you Luke.  And not in the way a sister loves a
brother.  I love you in a purely sexual way.  And to prove it, I
will now make out with your cheek.

...And then she totally made out with my cheek!  When I get
back, I’m getting a hummer.

Ok, let’s see here.  Weapons are loaded.  Computers seem to
be functioning properly.  R2 is buckled in.  Airlock is secure.
Engines are-

*BOOM!*

Oh.  Well, then.  Um.  I guess the first wave must have been
successful.  Ok.  Well... I guess we can all celebrate now.

Jeff did it, Luke!  All hail Jeff!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.  It’s time for little Luke to take a tongue-
bath.

You likes it when Lukie sucks on your neck like that?

Mmmm.  I gots plenty o’ suckin’ where that came from!

Luke.  I want you to know something.  And I hope you don’t
get mad.  But I’m your sis-

YOU SON OF A BITCH, I’LL FUCKIN’ KILL YOU!

*SLAP!*

Written by John Cheese

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Instance Names

"indicator"Symbol 46 MovieClip Frame 1Symbol 15 MovieClip
"prevBtn"Symbol 46 MovieClip Frame 1Symbol 25 MovieClip
"nextBtn"Symbol 46 MovieClip Frame 1Symbol 29 MovieClip
"autoplay"Symbol 46 MovieClip Frame 1Symbol 40 MovieClip




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Created: 2/6 -2019 17:59:59 Last modified: 2/6 -2019 17:59:59 Server time: 02/05 -2024 21:21:36