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Text
Periodic Table

TheManShow.com

The Relative Elements

The Poisonous Elements

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This Week:

Good or bad, these are the essential elements of a man's universe. Click and learn. Our researchers
haven't discovered all of the elements, so if you think of one, help us complete the chart.

Submit an element

Recreational Elements

Rc

remote control

Erectile Elements

Cm

spunk

P

penis

Va

vagina

Bs

lying

Sf

softball

Sc

sports center

Mm

march madness

Sb

super bowl

Dg

dog

Bp

bachelor party

Ws

world series

Mf

monday night football

Sa

satellite dish

Ds

doggy style

Bj

blow job

Hj

hand job

Mw

morning wood

Pf

penthouse forum

Sp

spice channel

Ip

internet porn

Ho

hookers

V

viagra

St

strippers

Cg

cunnilingus

Pe

premature ejaculation

Fc

fat chicks

Rb

rubbers

Element Description

In the game of love,
the consolation prize
is a hand job.

Mp

missionary position

Ps

phone sex

Ll

lipstick lesbians

Assholoid Elements

Sv

sport utility vehicle

Cl

cell phone

Tt

tattoo

Gt

goatee

Hp

hair plugs

Relative Elements

Ma

mom

Pa

dad

K

kids

C

cousin

S

sister

Poisonous Elements

O

oprah, oxygen network

Wo

whacking off

W

work

Cb

cock block

X

ex

Hr

hangover

Ml

mother-in-law

Rr

road rage

Ro

restraining order

Bb

blue balls

Ph

pick-up hoops

G

guns

Pl

pool

Jr

jim rome

Sm

the simpsons

Ff

fantasy football

Sk

spring break

Lg

loogie

Mb

male bonding

Bl

bowling

Tv

television

Tl

tools

Consumable Elements

Pz

pizza

B

beer

Bw

buffalo wings

Tq

tequila

Mi

microwave burrito

N

nachos

Ci

cigars

J

jerky

Ignoble Gases

F

farts

Bu

burps

Bo

body odor

Az

ass zits

Nh

nose hair

Pi

piss

Sw

sweaty balls

Ji

jock itch

Sr

scratching

Pk

puke

Pu

taking a dump

I

impotence

Sd

skid marks

themanshow.com

Sx

sex

M

money

Bq

bar-b-que

Pb

pattern baldness

Zz

napping

Robert has a ridiculously small
weiner.  So he went out and
bought the biggest Sport Utility
Vehicle he could find.

Hey...
stick that cell phone
up your ass!

That little dead bastard who
yelled "Da plane!  Da plane!" on
Fantasy Island was named Tattoo.
He's not getting any trim, and
neither will you with your stupid
tattoo.

Steve thought growing a
goatee might make him cool.
So did Howie Mandel.

Hoping to attract some women,
Dan spent $10,000 on hair plugs.
He should have spent the money
on hookers.

Leathery, tatted-out skanks doing
the same four doofuses, with no
penetration or money shot.
There's more to whack to on
Providence.
The Arby's of porn.

To prevent premature
ejaculation, Paul pictures a
drunken Peter Gammons
trimming Randy Johnson's
scrotum hairs.

Fictional characters
invented by The Playboy
Channel.  Real lesbians
have thick hips and mullet
haircuts.

Here's another
TheManShow.com tip - during
phone sex, use the hands-free
speakerphone feature, so you
can work your balls.

Listen up gentlemen,
The clinical term for chowing box
is cunnilingus.  The joke's on you
if you've been performing fellatio
this whole time.

An unstable element, often
spontaneously decaying into
hookers and porn stars.  Next time
you're at a strip joint, take out your
johnson and wag it at the strippers.
The bouncers love that.

If you're a young whackonteur,
the tales in Penthouse Forum
are like training wheels for
your dong.

Morning wood is your dick's way
of saying, "You've ignored me for
eight hours.  Now I'm gonna make
you piss all over your feet."

Even though his wife has a
gigantic, hairy, warty ass, Walt
was able to get it up thanks to
the miracle of Viagra.  Plus, he
wasn't with his wife.

When your sexual batting
average is low, fat chicks are
perfectly acceptable slump
busters.  But avoid summertime
cunnilingus.

The only position that
Jimmy's wife allows.

Always a good idea.
Just ask Shawn Kemp.

If you divide the amount of money
you spend on your wife or girlfriend
by the number of times she gives it
up, you'll realize that hookers would
actually save you money.  So write
your congressman.

If you're computer savvy
enough to be reading
this, then no explanation
is necessary.

Les Moonves sez, "Do it
doggy style, so you can
both watch Judging Amy.
Check your local listings."

The only woman in the world
you won't jack off to.
Or, if you're gay, the only
woman you WILL jack off to.

One day, you will have
big, saggy dad balls.
Hoist 'em with pride.

When they enter the world, stay
in the waiting room, or forever be
cursed with the image of your
wife's cooter looking like a
catcher's mitt full of lasagna.

Your hot cousin Denise.
You knew it was wrong, but
you rubbed one out to her
anyway.  Maybe more than one.

Remember when you were little
kids in the tub and you jammed
your big toe in your sister's butt?
Go ahead -- give her a call.
She's thinking of you.

WARNING: The Surgeon General
has determined that watching
Oprah or the Oxygen Network will
cause you to grow a big vagina --
big as a bucket.

The average Man Show viewer
whacks off 325 times a year.
Even the married ones.
Especially the married ones.

Socrates said, "You can only
sit around, scratching your
nuts, for so long.  Might as
well go to work.  And scratch
your nuts."

If you're not gettin' any,
nobody's gettin' any.
Known in the rap community
as "playa-hataz."

Ex-wife,
ex-girlfriend,
X-Show
--- All very, very bad.

Here's a tip...
If you're never sober,
you're never hungover.

Wanna see how your wife's
gonna look in 25 years?
Take a gander at your
mother-in-law.
Better yet, don't.

When Ned saw Rhonda straddling
two lanes in her Range Rover,
talking on her cell-phone while
putting on makeup, reading a fax
and eating an egg white breakfast
burrito, he felt road rage.

A restraining order is a good
indication there's no rush to
pick out wedding invitations.

Two hours of dry humping
+ no relief
= blue balls.

No matter what else you
think about Bill Clinton, you
have to thank him for
making “blow job” an
acceptable household term.

That da-da-da, da-da-da is
the only music that
makes us dance.
It's chicken soup for the
man's soul.

Unless Anna Kournikova has a match
on TV,  March Madness is the
greatest sporting event of the year,
and the ideal opportunity to file hot
college cheerleaders in your
Spank-O-Dex for after the game.

Your dog.  Man's best
friend, indeed.  And in a
pinch, a dog will lick
Nutella out of your ass.

Those magic words at 5 a.m.
that get you past your wife and
into the shower while reeking of
stripper perfume -- and to the
office at noon without getting
fired.

A bachelor party is your
opportunity to see skeezy, naked,
stretch-marked guttersluts and a
good friend's sad little stiffy, all
for only 250 dollars cash before
you leave, please.

The first pitch of the Fall Classic
begins a six-month sports-
watching coma.  A savvy wife or
girlfriend will start having an
affair around October 22.

For three hours, it's the
weekend again.
And how 'bout that
Dennis Filler?

More electromagnetic waves
from space to cook your balls.
But how else are you gonna
watch that Expos - Devil Rays
interleague game?

Simultaneously the path to
glory and the gateway to hell.
The reason that women are
allowed to live in our homes.

Holy Moses!!  How small
must Charlton Heston's
penis be?

Lenny found being a pool shark
exciting and profitable, until he
tried hustling the patrons of a
rough-trade gay and lesbian
pool hall, who killed him.

Having a take and not sucking in
the jungle means you've been
stuck in traffic way too much.
But Jim Rome is the Dalai Lama
of sports talk.
Out.

Homer kicks Fred
Flintstone's ass up
and down the block.

Fantasy football is
America's fastest growing
pastime among guys who
never, ever get laid.

Spring break is all about getting
drunk and banging a communications
major from SUNY Binghamton with
beer breath and a sunburn.  If you've
never seen a girl with a hairy butt
crack, you're in for quite a treat.

The perfect loogie not only clears
your throat and sinuses, it's a
glimmering oyster that curves
gracefully through the air and
easily clears the side of your car.

Male bonding is the
closest you can get to a
buddy without actually
smoking his sausage.

Heather and Frank really enjoyed
bowling, because they were just
too fat to get their genitals to
touch.

Television can be blamed for
many of society's ills.  But
there's no one to blame but
yourself when your lady finds
Double-Penetrated Hungarian
Whores 5 in the VCR.

A fully equipped tool shed is the
perfect place to work on your
hobby, especially if your hobby is
drunken, tearful masturbation.
Use the 600 grit for a velvety-
smooth finish.

Pizza is like sex-- even
when it's bad, it's good.

Beer has been helping ugly
people get laid for ten thousand
years.  Without this miracle
beverage, the human race would
be much more attractive.

Not much meat, but lots of
flavor - and worth feeling
like someone put a cigarette
out in your anus.

Girls who drink tequila
are very sexy if you can
get past the chunks of
puke in their hair.

For 69 cents, microwave
burritos are a yummy way
to admit you've given up.

The French gave us the Statue of
Liberty and brie, but the
Mexicans kicked their stanky ass
with nachos.
Yo quiero diarrhea!

Smoking a good Cuban cigar
tells people, "I'm classy, I'm
confident, I'm prosperous,
and I'm an insufferable prick".

Jerky is salty, takes a lotta
chewin', and costs about 30
bucks a pound.  Save money
and pour soy sauce on your
shoe.

See -- your ass can say
funny stuff too!

Burps are just mouth farts.
And they're easier to blow in
the face of a loved one.

There are some women out there
who will be strangely attracted to
your body odor.  You don't want
anything to do with these Hacky
Sack-playin', patchouli oil-wearin',
vegan, tree-huggin' hairy- pitted
wack jobs.

The difference between a low-
budget and a high-budget porn
movie is the number of ass-zits
on the performers.

Nose hair filters out impurities
in the air you breathe.
Ungroomed nose hair filters
out any chance you might have
of getting laid.

When you're not getting laid,
taking a piss is a gentle
reminder that you still have
a dick.

Nothing that can't be cured
by a soothing handful of
talcum powder.

Most men will never play in the
World Series or in the NBA Finals,
but every guy can experience the
thrill of athletic glory with a zesty
case of jock itch.

According to a recent survey,
the top three most scratchable
areas are - nuts, ass, and nuts.

Puking is the money
shot of a great night
out with the boys.

There's nothing like it to flush
your problems away.  According
to David Mamet, taking a nice
dump can make you feel like you
just slept eight hours.

Always her fault.

Skid marks - symptomatic of
dingleberies.  Turn your
underwear into a Rorshach
test.  Maybe you'll see kitties
flying a kite.

In co-ed softball, the key to
success is lots o' burly lesbians.
If you're playing on your office
team, definitely let your boss
play third base.

East coast: no blood, no foul.
West coast: you touched my hair,
you'll hear from my lawyer.

Sure, he sometimes leads you
astray, but that loveable little
oaf between your legs is your
oldest and closest friend.
And all you do is beat the snot
out of him.

Great parties, mostly crappy
game.  Pass out before halftime
to avoid having your soul stolen
by Tyne Daly, Tone Loc, Debbie
Allen and 4,000 sequined nancy
boys lip-synching to Proud Mary.

By far the most desired man
element. Sex is the way Mother
Nature tricks us into making
more people. But we screw her
over with hand jobs, blow jobs
and pearl necklaces.

Sorry to say, the most
essential man element.
You sacrifice your manhood
to make money, you spend
money to get it back.

AKA man butter.  The
reason they sell Kleenex
during the cold and flu
off-season.

Raw meat and fire help you
channel your inner caveman.
And while you're bar-b-que-ing,
picture yourself backdooring
Rae Dawn Chong.

When you're watching a Shannon
Tweed movie, proper use of your
remote control will ensure that
you don't accidentally squirt to
Andrew Stevens.

In the algebra of life, male
pattern baldness unfortunately
equals girlfriend with female
pattern fatness.

The greatest drug of all.
The magnificent beasts of
the jungle spend 80% of
their time napping, and so
should you.

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Symbol 453 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 455 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 457 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 457 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 459 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 461 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 461 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 463 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 465 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 465 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 467 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 470 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 470 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 471 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 473 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 473 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 475 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 477 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 477 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 479 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 481 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 481 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 483 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 485 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 485 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 487 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 489 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 489 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 491 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 493 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 493 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 495 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 497 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 497 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 499 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 501 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 501 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 503 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 505 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 505 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 507 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 509 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 509 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 511 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 513 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 513 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 515 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 517 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 517 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 519 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 521 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 521 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 523 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 525 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 525 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 527 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 529 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 529 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 531 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 533 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 533 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 535 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 537 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 537 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 539 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 541 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 541 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 543 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 545 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 545 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 547 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 549 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 549 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 551 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 553 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 553 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 555 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 557 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 557 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 559 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 561 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 561 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 563 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 565 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 565 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 567 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 569 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 569 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 571 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 573 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 573 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 575 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 577 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 577 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 579 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 581 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 581 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 583 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 585 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 585 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 587 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 589 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 589 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 591 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 593 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 593 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 595 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 597 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 597 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 599 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 601 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 601 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 603 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 605 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 605 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 607 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 609 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 609 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 611 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 613 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 613 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 615 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 617 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 617 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 619 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 621 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 621 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 623 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 625 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 625 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 627 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 629 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 629 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 631 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 633 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 633 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 635 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 637 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 637 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 639 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 641 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 641 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 643 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 645 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 645 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 647 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 649 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 649 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 651 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 653 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 653 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 655 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 657 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 657 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 659 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 661 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 661 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 663 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 665 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 665 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 667 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 669 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 669 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 671 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 673 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 673 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 675 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 677 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 677 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();
Symbol 679 Button
on (rollOut, release, dragOut) { gotoAndPlay (12); }
Symbol 681 MovieClip Frame 1
stop();
Symbol 681 MovieClip Frame 11
stop();

Library Items

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Symbol 3 TextUses:1Used by:4
Symbol 4 MovieClipUses:2 3Used by:Timeline
Symbol 5 GraphicUsed by:Timeline
Symbol 6 TextUses:1Used by:Timeline
Symbol 7 TextUses:1Used by:Timeline
Symbol 8 TextUses:1Used by:Timeline
Symbol 9 EditableTextUses:1Used by:15
Symbol 10 TextUses:1Used by:15
Symbol 11 TextUses:1Used by:15
Symbol 12 EditableTextUses:1Used by:15
Symbol 13 TextUses:1Used by:15
Symbol 14 EditableTextUses:1Used by:15
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Symbol 16 GraphicUsed by:Timeline
Symbol 17 GraphicUsed by:18
Symbol 18 MovieClipUses:17Used by:Timeline
Symbol 19 TextUses:1Used by:20
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Symbol 21 GraphicUsed by:23
Symbol 22 GraphicUsed by:23
Symbol 23 MovieClipUses:21 22Used by:Timeline
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Symbol 28 MovieClipUses:27Used by:33
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Created: 1/6 -2019 13:18:01 Last modified: 1/6 -2019 13:18:01 Server time: 11/05 -2024 13:07:45