Combined Code
	frame 1 {
		player.onRelease = function () {
			if (preloader.percentage >= 99) {
				play();
			}
		};
		credit.onRelease = function () {
			if (preloader.percentage >= 99) {
				gotoAndPlay('cred');
			}
		};
		stop();
	}
	movieClip 12	{
	}
	movieClip 14	{
	}
	movieClip 16	{
	}
	movieClip 17	{
		frame 1 {
			function preloadFunction() {
				bytesLoaded = _parent.getBytesLoaded();
				bytesTotal = _parent.getBytesTotal();
				percentage = Math.round((bytesLoaded / bytesTotal) * 100);
				if (bytesLoaded >= bytesTotal) {
					hider._visible = true;
					clearInterval(millisecs);
				}
				progressBar._xscale = percentage;
			}
			hider._visible = false;
			millisecs = setInterval(preloadFunction, 10);
		}
	}
	movieClip 22	{
	}
	frame 2 {
		function __com_mochibot__(swfid, mc, lv) {
			var x;
			var g;
			var s;
			var fv;
			var sb;
			var u;
			var res;
			var mb;
			var mbc;
			mb = '__mochibot__';
			mbc = 'mochibot.com';
			g = _global ? _global : _level0._root;
			if (g[mb + swfid]) {
				return g[mb + swfid];
			}
			s = System.security;
			x = mc._root.getSWFVersion;
			fv = x ? mc.getSWFVersion() : (_global ? 6 : 5);
			if (!s) {
				s = {};
			}
			sb = s.sandboxType;
			if (sb == 'localWithFile') {
				return null;
			}
			x = s.allowDomain;
			if (x) {
				s.allowDomain(mbc);
			}
			x = s.allowInsecureDomain;
			if (x) {
				s.allowInsecureDomain(mbc);
			}
			u = 'http://' + mbc + '/my/core.swf?mv=5&fv=' + fv + '&v=' + escape(/:$version) + '&swfid=' + escape(swfid) + '&l=' + lv + '&f=' + mc + (sb ? '&sb=' + sb : '');
			lv = fv > 6 ? mc.getNextHighestDepth() : (g[mb + 'level'] ? g[mb + 'level'] + 1 : lv);
			g[mb + 'level'] = lv;
			if (fv == 5) {
				res = '_level' + lv;
				if (!eval(res)) {
					loadMovieNum(u, lv);
				}
				return res;
			}
			res = mc.createEmptyMovieClip(mb + swfid, lv);
			res.loadMovie(u);
			return res;
		}
		__com_mochibot__('6ff06085', this, 10301);
	}
	movieClip 24	{
	}
	movieClip 27	{
	}
	movieClip 30	{
	}
	movieClip 33	{
	}
	movieClip 36	{
	}
	movieClip 38	{
	}
	movieClip 40	{
	}
	movieClip 42	{
	}
	movieClip 47	{
	}
	movieClip 49	{
	}
	movieClip 51	{
	}
	movieClip 52	{
	}
	movieClip 53	{
	}
	movieClip 73	{
	}
	movieClip 75	{
	}
	movieClip 76	{
	}
	movieClip 78	{
	}
	movieClip 90	{
	}
	movieClip 98	{
	}
	movieClip 100	{
	}
	movieClip 104	{
	}
	movieClip 109	{
	}
	movieClip 111	{
	}
	movieClip 113	{
	}
	movieClip 115	{
	}
	movieClip 117	{
	}
	movieClip 119	{
	}
	movieClip 135	{
	}
	movieClip 139	{
	}
	movieClip 143	{
	}
	movieClip 146	{
	}
	movieClip 156	{
		frame 1 {
			stop();
		}
	}
	movieClip 157	{
	}
	movieClip 159	{
	}
	movieClip 163	{
	}
	movieClip 166	{
	}
	movieClip 170	{
	}
	movieClip 171	{
	}
	movieClip 172	{
	}
	movieClip 195	{
	}
	movieClip 207	{
	}
	button 208 {
		on (release) {
			getURL('http://www.theonion.com/content/node/42166', '_blank');
		}
	}
	movieClip 209	{
	}
	movieClip 214	{
	}
	movieClip 217	{
	}
	movieClip 234	{
	}
	movieClip 255	{
	}
	movieClip 256	{
	}
	movieClip 303	{
	}
	movieClip 310	{
	}
	movieClip 319	{
	}
	movieClip 326	{
	}
	movieClip 328	{
	}
	movieClip 335	{
	}
	movieClip 337	{
	}
	movieClip 339	{
	}
	movieClip 345	{
	}
	movieClip 346	{
	}
	movieClip 347	{
	}
	movieClip 349	{
	}
	movieClip 350	{
	}
	movieClip 351	{
	}
	movieClip 353	{
	}
	movieClip 361	{
	}
	movieClip 376	{
	}
	movieClip 378	{
	}
	movieClip 380	{
	}
	movieClip 382	{
	}
	movieClip 384	{
	}
	movieClip 386	{
	}
	movieClip 388	{
	}
	movieClip 390	{
	}
	movieClip 392	{
	}
	movieClip 394	{
	}
	movieClip 396	{
	}
	movieClip 398	{
	}
	frame 7743 {
		gotoAndPlay('s2');
	}
	movieClip 411	{
	}
	movieClip 413	{
	}
	movieClip 414	{
	}
	movieClip 415	{
	}
	movieClip 417	{
	}
	movieClip 419	{
	}
	movieClip 421	{
	}
	movieClip 423	{
	}
	movieClip 425	{
	}
	movieClip 426	{
	}
	movieClip 428	{
	}
	movieClip 430	{
	}
	movieClip 455	{
	}
	movieClip 457	{
	}
	movieClip 458	{
	}
	frame 9715 {
		gotoAndPlay('s7');
	}
	movieClip 462	{
	}
	movieClip 481	{
	}
	movieClip 482	{
	}
	movieClip 483	{
	}
	frame 12390 {
		talk = new Sound();
		talk.attachSound('Narrator34');
		talk.start(33);
	}
	movieClip 559	{
	}
	movieClip 561	{
	}
	movieClip 563	{
	}
	movieClip 565	{
	}
	movieClip 568	{
	}
	movieClip 578	{
	}
	movieClip 580	{
	}
	movieClip 582	{
	}
	movieClip 584	{
	}
	movieClip 591	{
	}
	movieClip 593	{
	}
	movieClip 595	{
	}
	movieClip 600	{
	}
	movieClip 602	{
	}
	movieClip 608	{
	}
	movieClip 612	{
	}
	frame 14864 {
		gotoAndPlay('s5');
	}