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Legends of Hogwarts:
Harry Potter
and the
Liberal Menace

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Harry Potter
and the Liberal Menace

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Prologue

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Prologue
It appeared that the Harry Potter series had nowhere
to go – in book seven, “Harry Potter and the End of the
Series,” author J.K. Rowling had killed off Harry Potter,
turned Hermione into a lesbian, transformed Ron into a
German pop sensation, and had caused irreparable damage
to the entire franchise.

Luckily, the publishers had a trick up their sleeve, for due to a
hidden clause in the original Harry Potter contract, Rowling had
no choice but to continue writing with the spin-off, “Legends of
Hogwarts.” However, this plan backfired, as Rowling put so little
effort into the new series that fans quickly lost interest, and sales
plummeted.

Harry Potter in
Legends of Hogwarts
The College Years!
(With special guest Screech!)

Harry Potter in
Legends of Hogwarts
The College Years!
(With special guest Screech!)

Harry Potter in
Legends of Hogwarts
The College Years!
(With special guest Screech!)

Many believed that it was the end for the Hogwarts series, but the
publishers would not give up so easily – they decided to give it
one more go with another spin-off series that followed Harry, Ron
and Hermione during their college years, since that had worked
so well when “Saved by the Bell” did it.

Rowling, of course, refused to have anything to do with it, and
fled the country so that she could live out her days free from
anything Harry Potter related.

What she did not
know, however,
was that the
publisher had
hired a scientist to
create a cloning
formula that
would be able to
create an exact
duplicate of her
that would be
perfectly willing
to continue
writing.

Debate Tonight!
Is Harry Potter destroying
the youth of America?
Featuring Author
JK Rowling
and Pundit
Ann Coulter

Debate Tonight!
Is Harry Potter destroying
the youth of America?
Featuring Author
JK Rowling
and Pundit
Ann Coulter

In order to clone her, however, they would first need a sample
of her DNA, so the scientist set out to find her and steal one
hair from her head. He searched every continent until he
eventually found her famous face in the United States.

She was speaking to a
group of reporters, and
so while she was busy
answering a question,
he snuck behind her
and plucked a blonde
hair from her head, and
then took it back with
him to his underground
lair, where he worked
his science with such
skill that within hours,
he had a fully grown
clone.

Now, one thing you must know about this scientist is that,
since all of his time is spent in an underground lair, his
eyes are not all that great.

It is because of this that he believed that he had taken a hair from
Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling, when in fact he had taken a hair
from the author of “I Hope You All Die in a Fire,” Ann Coulter.

Unfortunately this error was not caught until after the release of
her addition to the Legends of Hogwarts series,
Harry Potter
and the
Liberal Menace

The previous summer, Harry, Ron, and Hermione
had set out on to put an end to Voldemort’s plan to unite
the wizarding world under his great leadership, because
they had been brainwashed by the America-hating
weasels over at Hogwarts.

Chapter One
Harry Potter and the Justification of the Series

Seriously, have you even read those books? They take an
impressionable young boy, turn him against the family that was
willing to put themselves out to give him a good home, with is
own room under the stairs

(Have you ever stayed in a room under the stairs? It’s like an
adventure in itself. Harry should be down on his knees thanking
his family every day for the way they put up with him and that
freakish scar that everybody stares at but can’t comment on
because it wouldn’t be “politically correct” -

now come on! It’s staring me in the face; I should be able to stare at
him in the face. I hope you die in a fire!),

and then whisk him off to a secret castle where they teach him
“magic,” which is obviously a code word for homosexuality and
other liberal lies

(Hermione even admits she’s a lesbian, and I’ve read enough
‘fanfics’ to know all about the seedy love triangles between Harry,
Ron, and that lovely Malfoy boy (I really like him).

Anyway, so they
go on this quest,
and somewhere in
the woods they
set up camp and
smoke a little bit
of they ol’ Scooby
Doobie, since
they are damn
dirty liberal
hippies and
things.

And one thing
leads to another,
and pretty soon
they are so
reefered up that
they actually
believe that
they are
continuing on
with the
adventure –

Hermione believes that she goes off to live in paradise with the
lesbian nymphs, Ron believes that he’s become a German Pop
Sensation, and Harry believes that he has killed Crazy V, and
sacrificed himself as a martyr.

However, despite this elaborate fantasy, they were really just
wild hallucinations formed by their damn hippy drug culture.

So while these idiots are sitting on a couch wishing they had a
candy bar or a pizza, Crazy V sniffs them out and brings them to his
camp, where he does away with all of the ridiculous liberal
brainwashing that had turned them against Volly

(who is really a great guy, a wonderful leader, and the reason that
we have the great quality of life that we have today. Anybody
that says different ought to be shot, hung, strangled with their own
hippy dreadlocks, and then killed in a fire.)

Once Crazy V had set them straight, Harry Ron and Hermione
realized that they were wrong in their mission to destroy the death
eaters, and rather than fight further, they all got sweet Dark Mark
tattoos (all the cool kids are getting them),

and decided to better themselves by going to college, so that
they could gain networking skills in the Young Death Eaters
organizations on campus, and use their collective strength to
fight back against the Liberal Agenda that the Order of the
Phoenix was trying to sabotage the country with.

And so you have it – an entirely plausible way to completely
ignore everything that happened in the previous two books,
while still continuing with the story.

Chapter Two
Harry Potter and the
Overwhelming Liberal Agenda

It was a crisp fall day when Harry, Ron, and Hermione
arrived at their new Alma Mater, the Edwin P. Fuzzybum
University for the Study of Witchcraft, Wizardry, and
Why Being a Liberal Homo-Sin-Ual Is Way Better than
Being an Honest God-Fearing American.

The three heroes looked at each other with raised eyebrows – they
knew that the liberal agenda had reached far into the university
system, but they had no idea just how radical and terrorist-loving
this school would be.

“Well friends,” said Harry, “here we are at our new school – and I
for one cannot wait to dive head first into a keg of cheap beer and
a gaggle of those wild co-eds I’ve been hearing so much about on
late night advertisements.”

Ron laughed nervously. “Now Harry, with your level of fame, we’d
best avoid any high-profile scandals.”

Harry punched Ron in the testicle and announced via loudspeaker
“You sir are a pansy, and I’m off to begin a life of non-stop bonin’!”

He turned, kicking Ron in the shin as he did so, and marched off in
search of a room full of naked sorority girls having a pillow fight.

Ron started to
follow him, but
Hermione held
him back. “No,
Ron, we must
not go find the
leader of the
Young Death
Eaters so that
we can begin
planning our
strategy for the
coming year.”

“But… but Hermione! I want to have a pillow fight with a room full
of naked sorority girls, too!” Stammered Ron, sheepishly (if that
was a very horny sheep – which Ron would certainly know quite
a bit about, no matter how much he denies it).

“Well, now, so do I. But we can’t give in to the Sins of the Flesh. We
will surely be tested to great lengths by these liberal lies, but we
have to remember that Things Here are Not What They Appear.

Now come on – we’ve got work to do.” Hermione said matter-of-
factly, and Ron couldn’t help but follow her as she walked across
campus to find the office of the YDE.

The campus was full of new first year college students, eagerly
unpacking their belongings, ready to begin on the great adventure
that is the University. Their faces full of hope and enthusiasm –

Ron and Hermione couldn’t help but feel sorry for these fools who
had no idea that by the end of the year, they would have been
turned into gay, communist, cheese-eating, French-loving,
Dumbledore-worshiping wingbats

FOOTBALL

go freedom
fighters!

Stereotypical
Geek-Related
Club

Skull and Bones
Secret Society
(Shhhh!)

I Hate America
And Love Burning
Flags, Bibles, and
Unborn Babies
Club

Why Not Just
Surrender to the
Terrorists Now?

As they walked,
they passed a New
Student Info Fair,
with booths set up
for a wide array of
clubs – the
traditional sports
clubs, the fraternities
and sororities,

and a nearly endless
array of liberal
propaganda from the “I
Hate America And
Love Burning Flags,
Bibles, and Unborn
Babies” club to the
“Why Not Just
Surrender to the
Terrorists Now?” club.

Hermione sighed as she realized that all of these sights are real,
non-fiction, and completely non-satirical sights that are available
on every college campus in America. For real.

No, I’m really serious – if you haven’t seen them, it’s just because
you’re already blinded to them. If that’s the case, I recommend you
die in a fire.

After much searching, Ron and Hermione found, in the back
corner, underneath a pile of dirty socks, the Young Death Eaters
Club. Seated at the desk was Conner Rapist, a handsome young
man in a blue suit. “Please don’t throw garbage at me!” he said as
they approached.

“We’re not going to
throw garbage at
you – we’re not like
every other damn
dirty hippy on this
campus. My name is
Hermione Granger,
and this is Ron
Weasley. We’re first
year students, ready
to join in the fight
against Dumbledore
and all of his ilk.

And Harry Potter,
the famous wizard
who was once
against Crazy V
but is now one of
the Death Eaters,
wishes to help too,
as soon as he
finishes bonin’ a
room full of naked
pillow-fighting
sorority girls,

which shouldn’t take him more than a few seconds if reputation is
accurate.” Said Hermione. After she had finished her little speech,
the boy looked much relieved.

“Thank goodness – my name is Conner Rapist, and I’m the head
of this branch of the Young Death Eaters.

All day these liberals have done nothing but throw dirty socks
and garbage at me, and make me listen to Janis Joplin albums.
It’s torture I tell you!

Not that there’s anything wrong with torture of course, it’s just
that I’m not the one it should be directed towards.”

Ron and Hermione
nodded in agreement
after getting over the
initial fact that this
guys name is “Rapist.”
Since they were the
only three sane people
on campus, they
decided to go grab a
bite to eat and discuss
their plans for how to
spread the Dark Mark
over the rest of the
campus.

Chapter Three
Harry Potter and the Raging Homosexuals

Harry was not having much luck finding a room
full of pillow-fighting naked sorority girls, despite his
finest attempts.

After knocking on nearly every door in the dormitory, he found
himself face to face with a door he had not seen before, with a
large sign proclaiming:
The Edwin P Fuzzybum University
Gentlemen’s Lounge
Those Interested in Promiscuous Guilt-Free Sexual Pleasures Allowed Only.

Harry tapped his toes in excitement – this was what he had been
searching for all along! He knocked, but no one answered, so he
opened the door slowly and walked inside.

The room was full of comfortable sofas and dangly things
hanging from the ceiling. He called out, but heard no answer, so
he set himself down on the couch to wait for the women to arrive.

As he waited, more curious freshmen entered, each one
disappointed that so far it was a veritable sausage fest.
When the last of the seats was filled, the lights dimmed, and dance
music began to play as lights flashed and a disco ball swirled.

“Welcome, fellas, to
the Edwin P.
Fuzzybum University
Gentleman’s Lounge!
Prepare to enter a
world of Sexual
Fantasy, where all
your dreams will
come true!” a
seductive voice
spoke over a
loudspeaker.

All of the guys
applauded, but went
silent as a spotlight lit
up a small area on the
wall. The wall spread
open to reveal a
woman in a dress
strikingly similar to
that of Jessica Rabbit,
and all of the boys in
the room had
expressions on their
faces strikingly similar
to that of Eddy Valiant.

The first woman
proceeded to do a
provocative dance,
and as she made her
way through the
crowd, more woman
followed her lead,
until every lap was
filled. I’m tellin’ ya, it
was like a
campground in there.

Harry found himself
straddled by a striking
blonde, a woman of such
beauty that he could
only think to himself
how much she looked
like Anne Coulter. As
she wriggled about on
him, Harry felt oddly
uncomfortable – as if
there was something
about this whole
situation that just wasn’t
quite right.

There was just
something a little…
queer about the
whole thing.

It was at this point that the spot light lit up again – this time
revealing a male dancer, dressed only in his skivvies. Harry
thought that perhaps he would do a couples show with one (or all)
of the women – but the thing is, he didn’t!

In fact, every one of the women had left the room, and each had
been replaced by a muscle-bound male stripper. Harry found
himself strattled once again, this time by a man who he could tell
was named “Toby.”

Toby began to
wriggle around
on Harry, and as
Harry looked
around the room,
he could see that
the other boys
were in similar
situations.

The voice returned:
“Here in the
Gentlemen’s Lounge,
we don’t just serve you
the hottest women you
could ever desire – we
give you the best of
both worlds! And after
you sit through this
three hour video
presentation, we think
you’ll agree that this
side of the world is
way better!”

Harry realized that he was trapped in one of the gay’s mind-
control seminars that occur on every college campus in America
(for real). He struggled to escape, but Toby’s pelvic thrusts were
just too strong, and Harry had no choice but to stay in his seat and
hope his powers would save him from the gay!

Chapter Four
Harry Potter and the USSR

Following their business lunch with Conner Rapist,
Hermione really wanted to explore the outdoor sculpture
gardens, but Ron needed to go to the financial aid office so
he could find out about his work study job, so Ron and
Hermione went their separate ways.

Since the Weasley family was not wealthy enough to pay for
Ron’s tuition (because they are lazy people – and if you think
that’s harsh, just remember that if they had bothered to spend
any time at all looking after their family properly, they would
be rich like I am. And that’s a fact that cannot be disputed),

so he had to take a job through the university to help pay for
everything. However, he had not yet been told what he would be
doing, so he went to the financial office to find out.

“Hello, my name is Ron Weasley, and I’m here to find out about
my work study job?”
he said as he got to the front desk of the financial office.

“You are in luck, Ron,
because since you’re
one of the first to
arrive, you can have
your pick of any of the
jobs available!” said
the young woman at
the front desk.

“Hooray!” said Ron.
“What are my
choices?”

“Well, we’ve got the usual low-level jobs: dish washer, janitor, car
park attendant… These are the jobs that most people wind up with.
They pay minimum wage.

Or, if you sign up for our special program, you can have a job
playing games, getting sensual massages from topless
supermodels, and being fed grapes and fanned with a giant leaf.
That job pays $75 dollars an hour.”

“Wow! I’ll take the topless supermodels please!”
Shouted Ron at an unnecessary volume.

“I thought you’d say that. Now, just sign your name on this little
form to join the group, and you’ll be all set!”

Ron hurriedly scribbled his name on the dotted line, and smiled.
But his smile did not last long, however, because little did he know
that the group he had just signed up for was the Commie Terrorist
Club,

and that he’d be forced to work 90 hours a week slaving away for
the Commies, and then when he was too old and sick to work and
he’d lost all of his teeth, he’d have to go blow himself up to help
destroy the world

– and he’d only get his topless massages after he was dead.

Ron cried, and said “Boy I sure liked it better when I was a German
pop sensation!” but it was too late for that, because he, like so many
other American students, was suckered in by the Liberal Menace!

Chapter Five
Harry Potter and the Liberal Menace

After three hours, the doors of the Gentlemen’s
Lounge opened once again, and the young men
walked out in a daze. Harry overheard two of them
discussing what had just happened, and one quote
stuck in his head:

“Gee – you know, homosexuality isn’t a choice, but it’s the choice
for me! See how I’m blindly hypocritical? All we dirty gays are
like that. Let’s go impregnate some girls with our lies so we can
then force them to get abortions!”

Luckily, Harry knew that it really was a choice, and he would
suppress all those urges inside him with all of his strength until it
festered into a little gay zit that he could pop with a pin.

He ran around
campus to find
Ron and
Hermione to
tell them what
had happened.
He first found
Ron, looking
sapped and
tired, as he
shuffled
around
polishing
stones for a
nickel a day.

“Ron! You’ll never
believe what
happened to me!”
Harry said.

“Can’t talk… must work… no money… I’m a commie terrorist now…
save yourself…” mumbled Ron.

Harry was horrified – he ran as fast as he could, hoping against
hope that he would find Hermione before it was too late for her as
well. Luckily he was nearby the sculpture garden, and was able to
find her quite easily.

“Hermione! Thank
goodness I’ve found
you! It’s Ron – he’s
turned into a
commie terrorist!
The time is nigh
upon us, we must
destroy this evil
Liberal Menace
before it consumes
us all!”

“You’re right, Harry.”
Said Hermione.

“I’ve just been
discussing it with my
new life partner
Marcie here. We
believe that together
we can fight this
menace. But uh oh –
I’m starving because
we are two women
that never learned
how to cook a good
meal for our husbands.

And now since we’re
lesbian life partners,
we won’t ever have
husbands either! We’ll
just work and starve,
and we won’t have
any kids because we
can’t adopt,

and even if we could
we’d just have
abortions on them
anyway! Oh drat! All
humans are now on
the way to destruction
because all the
women are abortion-
happy lesbians who
can’t cook!”

Hermione was sad, but because she had been brainwashed by the
Liberal Menace, she could no longer escape its grasp.

Harry felt great despair – but luckily, during all of this, Conner
Rapist had summoned Crazy V, and with his great strength and
wisdom he cast spells hither and thither to make all the leaders of
this University die in a fire,

toppling statue
of Edwin P Fuzzybum

toppling statue
of Edwin P Fuzzybum

toppling statue
of Edwin P Fuzzybum

and just like that Ron,
Hermione, and all of
the other students
embraced the death
eaters as liberators.

Of course from that day forth, they all had to remain alert and
vigilant, for the Liberal Menace is always a threat, and is always
trying to destroy our way of life.

Take care, readers, for the events in this novel are all only
slightly altered from reality – there is a real Liberal Menace, and
it is alive and well on each and every college campus in
America! So do your part, citizen, by telling every dirty hippy
that you see that he should die in a fire!

This is NOT
The End
for to State ‘The End’ Is To
Give In to the Terrorists!

*Editor’s Note: By the time we realized our mistake of having
cloned Ann Coulter rather than J.K. Rowling, Coulter had
already written nine more volumes, each one titled “Harry Potter
Remains Ever Vigilant,” and each one filled with nothing but
long strings of profanities. We caught this series before the
remaining nine books hit the shelves, and we did away with the
Coulter clone, and we’re repeatedly reminding everyone that we
don’t condone the ideas held within this book, and we certainly
don’t wish all Universities to die in a fire. However, that being
said, please continue to purchase as many copies of these books
as your budgets allow (and if they don’t allow it – how bout a
credit card? Hmm? They’ve got some great rates nowadays!)

And in a final note, I assure you that the next installment of
‘Legends of Hogwarts’ will be much more faithful to the tone
that you all know and love from the first novels. So be sure to
bug your parents to pony up the dough for that one, due out
real soon!

2006, Blue Chair Entertainment
www.BlueChairEntertainment.com

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Special Tags

FileAttributes (69)Timeline Frame 1Access local files only, Metadata not present, AS1/AS2.
Protect (24)Timeline Frame 131 bytes "..$1$O9$qBzR5gtaLq.hui3zpzbVS/."




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Created: 14/4 -2019 00:44:36 Last modified: 14/4 -2019 00:44:36 Server time: 23/12 -2024 00:10:21