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Sick Joke Collection V.swf

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Flash #72878

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THE SICK JOKOLLECTION V

THE SICK JOKCOLLECTION V

THE SICK JOKECOLLECTION V

THE SICK JOKE
COLLECTION V

PLAY

Choose a category please.

ANATOMY

FAMOUS PEOPLE

INCEST

NATIONALITIES

RAPE

SEXISM

SICKNESS

WEIRD

CREDITS

SICKNESS

MENU

NEXT JOKE

How do you know when a cabbage is cooked?
When the wheelchair floats to the top!

A man awakes, after being in a coma for two weeks, to see a
doctor at the end of his bed. His doctor tells him, "Well.. we
have some good news and some bad news."
The patient asks for the bad news first.
The doctor tells, "You've been in a terrible accident and have
lost both of your legs knee down."
The patient in obvious distress asks, "What the hell is the good
news?"
The doctor replies, "The man next door wants to buy your
shoes."

A woman visits her doctor complaining of a strange feeling in
her lower stomach. The doctor examines her and states;
"Well, I can tell you that you'll need to be buying lots of
nappies in about nine months time."
"Am I pregnant?" she gasped. "That is wonderful news!"
"I'm afraid not," replied the doctor, "you have bowel cancer."

Doctor: It's bad news, you have cancer and Alzheimer's.
Patient: Oh well, it could be worse - at least I don't have cancer.

What do you do after you have raped a blind, deaf and mute
girl?
Break her fingers so she can't tell mummy.

They say time is a great healer...
Y'know, unless you have cancer.

What's black and eats pussy?
Cervical cancer.

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.
The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)
Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"
The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom!"

What's the difference between flowers and AIDS?
I didn't give your parents flowers...

SEXISM

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.
The second guy says " I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
Double Income, No Kids Yet."
The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know...
Rich, Urban, Biker"
They turn to a woman and ask her, "What are you? "
She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, fuck, Etc"

A man was brain dead, but rich, and so the doctors suggested a brain
transplant. They showed his family the options, and said- " There are two
potential donors - a man or a woman. A male brain is £500 000, a female
brain is £1 000 000."
"Why is there such a difference?" asked his family.
"Well," said the doctor, " its like with cars - a male brain is cheaper because
its been used."

I asked the girlfriend what she wanted for Valentines Day. She
said that she wanted to be treated like a princess.
So I took her to Paris, got hammered on a night out, then
crashed our car into a bridge support, killing her instantly.

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend
when he's pulled over by the police.
The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been
drinking Sir?"
"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?"
"No," replies the officer, "you were driving splendidly. It was
the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me
suspicious."

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Why do only 15 % of women go to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be hell.

A guy walks home after buying a cock sucking frog. He walks
into the kitchen where his wife is doing the dishes and plonks
it on the table.
"What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?" she screams.
"Teach it to cook and fuck off," he replies

There are three types of women: the intelligent, the beautiful,
and the majority.

Why are women like clouds?
Because when they fuck off it's usually a nice day

I had three girlfriends, but wasn't sure which one to marry. So I decided to give each one $5000 and see
how each of them spends it.
The first one went out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo,
manicure, pedicure, the works, and comes back to my place and says, "I spent the money so I could
look pretty for you because I love you so much." I was very touched and aroused, and we had lots of
great sex.
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and brings
them back to me as gifts. This sweet girl looked into my eyes and said, "I bought these gifts for you with
the money because I love you so much." I watched my new television with great enjoyment!
The third one takes the $5000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returns the
original $5000 to me and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our
future because I love you so much." She has enough to buy me a new boat.
I thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one
with the biggest tits.

If women are so perfect at multitasking
How come they cannot have a headache and sex at the same
time?

Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment
complaint forms in the bottom drawer. That way, when she
goes to get one you'll get a great view of her arse.

RAPE

My girlfriend told me last Christmas she wanted something
suprising and sexy.
Turned out she didn't mean rape.

What's black and blue and full of semen?
A rape victim.

My marriage counsellor said I needed to be more spontaneous.
So I raped her.

A man walks up to a woman in a bar and says, "You're going to
get laid tonight."
A bit surprised, she asks, "Really? How do you know that? Are
you psychic?"
"No, I'm just stronger than you."

I get very nervous after sex, as I normally have the police after
me.

Here's a chat up line that will ensure success with the ladies:
'Don't let this rape turn into a murder.'

What's the worst thing about gang rape?
Waiting your turn.

I go to the gym a lot, its makes it easy to get girls.
The last girl I raped didn’t stand a chance.

I bought a Rape Alarm the other day.
I'm always forgetting to rape someone.

My neighbours are complaining because a child rapist has
moved in down our road.
Personally, I am surprised he can even get an erection at six-
years-old.

Gang rape is not funny.
Not unless you're all wearing clown suits of course.

Remember, it's not rape if you shout "surprise!" first!

NATIONALITIES

Zebo, a half blind five year old African orphan has to ride seven
miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with
buckled wheels and no brakes.

Please give just a small donation of two pounds and we will
send you the video, it's fucking hilarious!

According to Oxfam, two pounds a month can provide water
for a village in Tanzania.
So why do fucking Thames Water charge me fifty pounds a
month for my three bed semi?

Did you hear about the 9 year old African boy?
He was going through a mid-life crisis.

Give an African man a fish, and he'll feed his family for one day
Give him the tools to catch fish, and he will catch thousands,
sell them down the local market, make enough money to buy
an AK 47 assualt rifle, declare himself dictator, hire a few
mercenaries, invade the neighbouring village killing every last
man, woman and child.
"Now That's Incentive"

What's the black stuff called in between elephants toes?
Africans.

What's the difference between a black guy and a pizza?
A pizza can feed the family.

What do you call an Asian with a big cock?
Azif.

Home owners are being warned about three keys that have
been proven to open 72% of house doors, 86% of motor
vehicles and 91% of padlocks.
The police have called them pie-keys, dar-keys and pac-keys.

What is the difference between a 69 and a Pakistani wedding?
With a 69 you only have to kiss one smelly cunt!

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

Mr Singh goes to heaven. When he gets to the pearly gates, St.
Peter takes one look at him and says "sorry no Asians allowed
in heaven," but Mr. Singh pleads that he's a good bloke who
has led a saintly life. He says, "Just last week I gave £20 to
Children In Need, £30 to Help The Aged and £50 to Comic
Relief".
St. Peter thinks for a while then goes inside to speak to God
then comes back.
"Sorry mate, I've had a word with God... He says, 'here's your
£100 quid back, now fuck off!'"

A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from Hong Kong to
Sydney, Australia.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for
a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink. He
replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores and my
head stuffed up a sheeps arsehole than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know
we had a choice."

What's the difference between Australia and a pot of yoghurt?
If you leave the lid off a pot of yoghurt it will eventually develop
a culture.

How do you tell the difference between an Australian and a
New Zealander?
Ask them both "Have you ever fucked a 12-year-old?"
The Kiwi will answer "Eugh, course not. That's disgusting
mate".
Whereas the Aussie will have a puzzled look on his face and
answer: "Depends, a 12-year-old what?"

An American woman of forty wants to get married, but she is only willing to
marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the
Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get
married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the
middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a
kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

I'm not a racist - racism is a crime, and crime is for black
people.

This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency,
after receiving his money he asks "How come I came in here
with same amount of money as yesterday but today I get less
yuans in return?"
The banker says "Fluctuations."
The Chinese guy replies... "Fluck you Blitish too."

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China?
Everybody won.

An elderly English gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."
The English gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. All Englishmen have to show their passports on arrival in France !"
The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.
"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D- Day in June 1944, and I
couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to."

I've got a tip for you: if you install the French versions of your
favourite programmes, they run a lot faster.

In Heaven, there is the ideal citizen of the world:
He has the MANNERS of an Englishman, and the SEX APPEAL of the Spaniard. He has
the HUMOUR of the the Irishman, and the BRAIN of the German. He has the STYLE of
the Italian, and the COURAGE of the Scotsman. He has the MUSCLES of the Russian,
and the WEALTH of the American. He has the SPIRITUALITY of the Indian, and the
HYGENIE of the Finn.
However, in hell, the reverse is true.. he is the WORST citizen..
He has the MANNERS of an Frenchman, and the SEX APPEAL of the Frenchman. He
has the HUMOUR of the the Frenchman, and the BRAIN of the Frenchman. He has the
STYLE of the Frenchman, and the COURAGE of the Frenchman. He has the MUSCLES
of the Frenchman, and the WEALTH of the Frenchman. He has the SPIRITUALITY of the
Frenchman, and the HYGENIE of the Frenchman.

How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
Nobody knows, it's never been done.

Six differences between a refugee and E.T.
E.T. looked better, learned English, came alone, had his own
bike, didn't claim benefit and WANTED TO GO HOME!

WEIRD

Why did the Prophet Mohammed marry a six year old?
Because he was a paedophile.

If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made
them out of food.

My friend is in a wheelchair, so I gave him a chainsaw, wrapped
him in tinfoil and sent him on Robot Wars.
But seriously - he's dead now.

I just ended a long-term relationship today.
I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.

Fourteen year old virgin.
No recollection from the victim.
No witnesses.
Carlsberg don't do rape...

I got kicked out of school a few years back. The headmaster
caught me behind the bike shed, fingering one of the girls from
my class.
When I was leaving, he said it was a pity, because he reckoned
I was the best Maths teacher the school had ever seen.

What is the difference between a football and a three year old?
You don't feel the urge to kick footballs in the cinema.

Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas
decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last
year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it
and opened the box.
Such a pity it was a puppy.

I've got no problem buying tampons. I'm a modern man.
But apparently they're not a "proper" present.

In a cruel twist of fate today, the eight year old boy who weighs
twenty stone had his dinner money stolen by school bullies.
They bought themselves a bike, an Xbox 360, four KFC family
buckets and a weekend in Disneyland Paris.

My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said, "We need to talk
about our future."
I said, "Yeah, it's gonna be fucking mental - we'll have flying
cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"
I'm now single.

I was walking along the beach when I saw a small boy lying on
the sand who had been stung by a jelly fish. I remembered that
if you're stung by one you should to piss on it, so I whipped my
dick out and started pissing on him.
His parents weren't too pleased though, apparently it doesn't
work when they're dead.

ANATOMY

My girlfriend told me, "They're not wrinkles, they're laughter
lines!"
And you know what, that's the nicest thing anybody's ever said
about my scrotum.

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large
supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the
supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my
wife appears out of nowhere."

I'm really upset, I just found my first grey pubic hair!
It was between my teeth.

A kid goes up to his dad and says “What’s a vagina look like?”
His father says, “Son, before sex, a vagina looks like a rose,
with pink velvety petals, and the aroma of perfume.”
The kid says, “What about after sex?”
His father says, “Have you ever seen a bulldog eating
mayonnaise?”

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's
penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and at a cost of $180,000, they
concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to
give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study.
After a cost of $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the
reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more
pleasure during sex.
Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of $75.46 and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that
it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the
forehead.

I hate those emails where they try to sell you penis enhancers.
I got ten just the other day.
Eight of them from my girlfriend.
But it's the two from my mum that really hurt....

I'm volunteering at nights in an abortion clinic. It's great. Not
only do I get to meet loads of girls who are a bit slutty, but I
know in advance that they're not looking for anything too
serious.

My ex husband went to the doctors and said that everytime he
looked in the mirror he got an erection.
Apparently it's because he looked like a cunt.

FAMOUS PEOPLE

Two chavs in a car going 80 mph. Who's driving?
Stevie Wonder, hopefully.

What's the difference between Paris Hilton and a toilet?
A toilet has a smaller hole and smells better.

Amy Winehouse was disappointed when it was explained to
her that she had won five Grammys and not five Grams.

Heath Ledger's last role is to be in the new Batman movie The
Dark Knight.
Just think, he was so close to being remembered as that Gay
Cowboy.

The strangest thing happened to me last night...
I put my dinner in the oven as normal, and I must have left it for
about 20 minutes before going back to check on it.
To my surprise, when I opened the oven door, the whole thing
had gone. Tray, food, everything - not a trace.
Last time I buy McCann's Oven Chips...

A little boy came home from school and said, "Dad, is God a man or a
woman?"
"He is both son.....male and female," he replied.
"Is he black or white?" he asked.
"Again, he is both black and white," the father replied.
"Well, is he gay or straight then?" asked the kid.
"Again, God is both gay and straight," he said.
"Dad.....is it Michael Jackson?"

Wayne Rooney is pleased to announce that he's signed up for
a five book deal.........That's an awful lot of crayons he's gonna
get through.

INCEST

Got caught wanking by mum last night...
Really didn't expect her to wake up...
All these years she thought she had conjunctivitis.

Thought for the Day:
If you're a Siamese twin, and you have sex with the other one,
is it masturbation or incest?

I was reunited with my long lost sister today. As soon as we
saw each other the tears started to flow - we realised we'd
shagged each other senseless at a party last year.

Whats the difference between your daughter and your mother-
in-law?
Even when really drunk, you would never dream of fucking
your mother in law.

How do you keep your virtue in Norfolk?
Run faster than your dad.

Flash by Sidorio.
Jokes and original idea by MrFinland.
Music by Oasis.
Thanks to all the sick fucks who enjoyed this.

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Instance Names

"bar"Symbol 75 MovieClip Frame 1Symbol 4 MovieClip
"bargfx"Symbol 75 MovieClip Frame 1Symbol 7 MovieClip
"tank"Symbol 75 MovieClip Frame 1Symbol 21 MovieClip
"bargfx"Symbol 75 MovieClip Frame 2Symbol 7 MovieClip
"bargfx"Symbol 75 MovieClip Frame 20Symbol 7 MovieClip

Special Tags

FileAttributes (69)Timeline Frame 1Access local files only, Metadata not present, AS1/AS2.

Labels

"LOAD"Symbol 75 MovieClip Frame 1
"COMPLETE_STOP"Symbol 75 MovieClip Frame 2




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Created: 8/4 -2019 13:13:46 Last modified: 8/4 -2019 13:13:46 Server time: 22/12 -2024 22:42:17