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Legends of Hogwarts |
The Contractually Obligated Spin Off From the Harry Potter Series |
Nathaniel Jones Presents |
When last we left Harry Potter, he was dead, and ain't that a bitch. |
Prologue |
In a valiant attempt to end the Reign of Terror of Voldemort once and for all, Harry and Crazy V fought an epic battle that resulted in Harry being killed by a Hitherto Unknown Curse, |
In a valiant attempt to end the Reign of Terror of Voldemort once and for all, Harry and Crazy V fought an epic battle that resulted in Harry being killed by a Hitherto Unknown Curse, |
and in the last moment of his life, Harry destroyed Voldemort by shooting a spell of his own straight to the groin, |
resulting in a big-ass explosion that ended the rise of the Death Eaters, who then went back to their day jobs, and things at Hogwarts went back to normal, |
resulting in a big-ass explosion that ended the rise of the Death Eaters, who then went back to their day jobs, and things at Hogwarts went back to normal, |
with Dumbledore (transformed into an Obi- Wan Kenobe-style ghost) back at his position of headmaster, and Snape as a pile of exploded bits in the ground, |
with Dumbledore (transformed into an Obi- Wan Kenobe-style ghost) back at his position of headmaster, and Snape as a pile of exploded bits in the ground, |
where he was deposited after being killed by Volly for trying to interfere in his killing o' Harry. |
where he was deposited after being killed by Volly for trying to interfere in his killing o' Harry. |
In other parts of the world, the Weasleys were living the good life after Ron made it big as a German Pop Sensation, |
In other parts of the world, the Weasleys were living the good life after Ron made it big as a German Pop Sensation, |
and Hermione was indulging in all her secret fantasies while living in a cove of lesbian nymphs, and Everybody was Living Happily Ever After. |
and Hermione was indulging in all her secret fantasies while living in a cove of lesbian nymphs, and Everybody was Living Happily Ever After. |
... Or so it would seem. |
In a mansion high atop one of the more secluded hills in England, author J.K. Rowling was enjoying her retirement, when she heard a knock on the door. |
In a mansion high atop one of the more secluded hills in England, author J.K. Rowling was enjoying her retirement, when she heard a knock on the door. |
Being a considerate women not prone to ignoring visitiors, she got up from her chair and opened the door, hoping to find a pizza, but instead finding Hugo Profillot, her literary agent, |
Being a considerate women not prone to ignoring visitiors, she got up from her chair and opened the door, hoping to find a pizza, but instead finding Hugo Profillot, her literary agent, |
At this moment, he was an unwanted guest, and so she tried to close the door to pretend that she was not in, but unfortunately, Hugo is a clever man, in addition to being a huge twit, and was not fooled. |
Her plan to avoid detection thwarted, Rowling had no choice but to let him in and hear him out. |
"Ms. Rowling, I come bearing a message from the publishers. They were quite dissapointed to hear that you had killed off your two main characters, and further upset when they discovered that you had turned Hermione into a lesbian, and Ron into a German Pop Sensation - |
"Ms. Rowling, I come bearing a message from the publishers. They were quite dissapointed to hear that you had killed off your two main characters, and further upset when they discovered that you had turned Hermione into a lesbian, and Ron into a German Pop Sensation - |
the religious right had been going into hysterics and demanding that we make the books with special paper that can be burned multiple times for each of its major offenses." |
the religious right had been going into hysterics and demanding that we make the books with special paper that can be burned multiple times for each of its major offenses." |
"Mr. Profillot, you can tell the publishers that I respectfully request them to suck my balls, metaphorically. In 'Harry Potter and the End of the Series,' I simply wrapped up every story line that had been begun in the first six books in exactly the way that things were going - |
if the publishers couldn't tell that Hermione was a lesbian and that Ron was destined to become a German Pop Sensation, which I find difficult to believe seeing as how blatantly obvious it all was, that is no fault of mine. |
And as for the deaths of the main characters, that was planned all along as well - they knew going in that there would only be seven books." |
"Yes, but what you seem to have forgotten was that when you first signed your contract, the publisher got you drunk and snuck past a clause that said that should the books become successful, |
"Yes, but what you seem to have forgotten was that when you first signed your contract, the publisher got you drunk and snuck past a clause that said that should the books become successful, |
you would be forced to continue writing books in the series until that cash cow is completely dry, and if you do not comply, they'll sue the pants off you, and then sell those pants on eBay." |
Rowling was devastated, for she really loves her pants. Since her nice pants were up against a wall, she agreed to continue the series with a line of books called: |
Rowling was devastated, for she really loves her pants. Since her nice pants were up against a wall, she agreed to continue the series with a line of books called: |
Legends of Hogwarts |
The Contractually Obligated Spin Off From the Harry Potter Series |
Chapter One Ten Years After the Death of Harry Potter |
Mallory Driscoll, her bright blonde hair combed perfectly straight down to her shoulders, stared out the window of the train as it pulled away from Track 9 ¾. |
Her kitten, Chimera, purred menacingly in her lap as she stroked its fur. |
She listened to the sound of her new classmates laughing and playing outside and in the next cabin and a flash of hatred crossed her eye. She continued to stroke her pussycat, and glared at the unseen figures making the joyful sounds, until a group of three of them burst in quite unexpectedly. |
She listened to the sound of her new classmates laughing and playing outside and in the next cabin and a flash of hatred crossed her eye. She continued to stroke her pussycat, and glared at the unseen figures making the joyful sounds, until a group of three of them burst in quite unexpectedly. |
There in her cabin stood three other first year students: Herpesia Granville, a small, mousy girl, Rombus Wellington, a shabby looking boy with bright red hair and freckles wearing a hand-me-down robe, |
There in her cabin stood three other first year students: Herpesia Granville, a small, mousy girl, Rombus Wellington, a shabby looking boy with bright red hair and freckles wearing a hand-me-down robe, |
and who she could only assume was the legendary Harvard Potholder, a boy rumored to have been immaculately conceived, and sure to take his place as the New Harry Potter - she could tell by the distinctive flame scar on his forehead. |
The three first years stared at Mallory, and Mallory stared back at them, and they each realized how wonderful any one of them would be to own as an Action Figure. |
The three first years stared at Mallory, and Mallory stared back at them, and they each realized how wonderful any one of them would be to own as an Action Figure. |
They stared at each other for the remainder of the journey, and by the end it was rather awkward, and Rombus wished he had a cookie. Mallory had an extra cookie in her bag, but Rombus didn't know this, and did not ask for it. |
Not that it would have mattered, because Mallory wouldn't have given it to him anyway. Mallory isn't friendly like that. |
Not that it would have mattered, because Mallory wouldn't have given it to him anyway. Mallory isn't friendly like that. |
When the train at last pulled into Hogwarts, the students departed the train - but not before Mallory spit on them all and declared her opposition to mudbloods and wished that the Death Eaters had succeeded |
and how much she really wished she could have been around while Voldemort was alive, just in case anyone hadn't caught on yet to how she fits into this new series. |
At the big opening gala celebration, Dumbledore introduced the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, Fizzle Plunkerton, |
Chapter Two Defense Against the Dark Arts |
a man so ill-equipped to deal with any threat of the Dark Arts variety that it had taken seventeen consecutive years of failed Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers to get to his name on the list. |
Dumbledore asked the students to warmly welcome him, and do their best to see that he survives the year, because the next name on the list after his was a pencil. |
After all the formalities of introducing the rest of the faculty, and a hearty meal, it was time to sort the new students into their houses. The sorting hat was brought out, and they did that whole deal like usual - |
After all the formalities of introducing the rest of the faculty, and a hearty meal, it was time to sort the new students into their houses. The sorting hat was brought out, and they did that whole deal like usual - |
come on, I don't have to really spell it out for you do I? The three heroes went into Gryffindor, and Mallory went into Slytherin. That's all you need to know, and you probably knew it all ready. |
come on, I don't have to really spell it out for you do I? The three heroes went into Gryffindor, and Mallory went into Slytherin. That's all you need to know, and you probably knew it all ready. |
Why do I have to waste my time with this obvious chapter? Contractual Obligation, I suppose. Damn lawyers and their asses. |
Once they had settled into their rooms and things, it was time for the school year to get underway. The classes were difficult, but thanks to Herpesia, Harvard and Rombus were able to cheat enough to scrape by through most of them. |
Chapter Three Standard Boilerplate Plotline |
They would have had better grades, but they did not have time to do their homework because they had to spend all of their free time investigating the Suspicious Activities of Mallory Driscoll, who they were convinced was up to no good. |
They would have had better grades, but they did not have time to do their homework because they had to spend all of their free time investigating the Suspicious Activities of Mallory Driscoll, who they were convinced was up to no good. |
They began to be suspicious of her when she started throwing rotten fruit at all the students who weren't of pure blood, wore a Dark Mark armband all the time, and put up posters advertising her "bring Voldemort back to power" club. |
They began to be suspicious of her when she started throwing rotten fruit at all the students who weren't of pure blood, wore a Dark Mark armband all the time, and put up posters advertising her "bring Voldemort back to power" club. |
As they compiled their list of evidence against her, they also had to deal with the new Potions Master, Professor Pains (note how if you say 'Pains' backwards it sounds like 'Snape?' That ain't no coincidence, kids!) always interfering in their investigation. |
As they compiled their list of evidence against her, they also had to deal with the new Potions Master, Professor Pains (note how if you say 'Pains' backwards it sounds like 'Snape?' That ain't no coincidence, kids!) always interfering in their investigation. |
They were pretty convinced that he, too, was part of the former Death Eaters, but Dumbledore's ghost wouldn't hear a word of it. Harvard pointed out that the last guy he ignored warnings about actually killed him, Dumbledore poo-pooed him, |
and when Harvard pointed out that since Dumbledore's already dead maybe he should worry more about the alive people running around than his own feelings, Dumbledore poo-pooed him again, and Harvard was ticked about the amount of poo-poo he had to deal with around this place. |
As the school year went on, Harvard grew closer to the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, and with his guidance he learned a new spell that would, coincidentally, be the exact spell he needs to know at the end of the book so that he can defeat the villain, |
and Mallory gets closer and closer to her secret goal which Harvard, Herpesia, and Rombus have discovered involves a secret forbidden potion that gives whoever drinks it the powers equal to whoever the potion is based on, |
and Mallory gets closer and closer to her secret goal which Harvard, Herpesia, and Rombus have discovered involves a secret forbidden potion that gives whoever drinks it the powers equal to whoever the potion is based on, |
and so they figured out that she was planning on drinking the potion so that she could take on the role of Voldemort in the neo-death eater movement. |
and so they figured out that she was planning on drinking the potion so that she could take on the role of Voldemort in the neo-death eater movement. |
Since they have no help from Dumbledore, Harvard convinces Plunkerton to believe him, and when he questions Mallory about it, she kills him in a most obvious saw- it-coming-a-mile-away manner, |
and somewhere far away a pencil began to celebrate as he knew his day as professor had come at last. |
and somewhere far away a pencil began to celebrate as he knew his day as professor had come at last. |
Harvard, having heard no word from Plunkerton about what he found out, decide to go investigate, and found himself stuck smack dab in the middle of: |
Harvard, having heard no word from Plunkerton about what he found out, decide to go investigate, and found himself stuck smack dab in the middle of: |
Harvard, having heard no word from Plunkerton about what he found out, decided to go investigate, and found himself stuck smack dab in the middle of: |
Harvard, having heard no word from Plunkerton about what he found out, decided to go investigate, and found himself stuck smack dab in the middle of: |
Harvard stared at the shriveled mushroom that moments before had been the ever-so- inspirational Professor Plunkerton, and he knew that it must have been Mallory's doing. |
Chapter Four Obligitory Twist Ending With Room for a Sequal |
Herpesia and Rombus had to agree, and they used the Marauder's Map, which they had found in hiding, to track Mallory's movements, and traced her down a secret flight of stairs to a Forbidden Dungeon deep underneath of the Slytherin sleeping quarters. |
Herpesia and Rombus had to agree, and they used the Marauder's Map, which they had found in hiding, to track Mallory's movements, and traced her down a secret flight of stairs to a Forbidden Dungeon deep underneath of the Slytherin sleeping quarters. |
With careful steps, the three heroes had to use all of the new spells and clever tricks they had learned in their first year at Hogwarts to outwit the traps that Mallory had placed behind her, |
With careful steps, the three heroes had to use all of the new spells and clever tricks they had learned in their first year at Hogwarts to outwit the traps that Mallory had placed behind her, |
until eventually they discovered her placing various chemicals and ingredients into a large vat, and Harvard knew from the intense pain in his scar that she was creating a potion that would give the drinker of it all of the power of Voldemort, |
until eventually they discovered her placing various chemicals and ingredients into a large vat, and Harvard knew from the intense pain in his scar that she was creating a potion that would give the drinker of it all of the power of Voldemort, |
and he felt worse than a monkey's ass stuck to your cheek on a hot day in The South. |
As Mallory completed the potion, she lifted it up and began to cackle maniacally, Harvard used his great skills to knock the vat of potion onto the ground, where her cat Chimera proceeded to lap it up. |
As Mallory completed the potion, she lifted it up and began to cackle maniacally, Harvard used his great skills to knock the vat of potion onto the ground, where her cat Chimera proceeded to lap it up. |
Mallory looked back at them, stunned that they could have gotten through her traps, but she declared that they were already too late, and then Chimera did something really unexpected: It began to change shape, and took on human form! |
Mallory looked back at them, stunned that they could have gotten through her traps, but she declared that they were already too late, and then Chimera did something really unexpected: It began to change shape, and took on human form! |
It wasn't a cat at all, but an animagus! And you'll never guess who that animagus was: |
It wasn't a cat at all, but an animagus! And you'll never guess who that animagus was: |
it was none other than Mallory Driscoll's dear cousin, Draco Malfoy! He had used his cat-like appearance to sneak into the school so that he could begin again with his father's work, |
and since he had, as the cat, consumed the potion, he suddenly found himself with all of the strength of Voldemort himself. |
Draco fired spell after spell at Harvard, but Harvard deflected every single one, sending spell after spell right back towards Malfoy. Malfoy was PO'd. |
Draco fired spell after spell at Harvard, but Harvard deflected every single one, sending spell after spell right back towards Malfoy. Malfoy was PO'd. |
He kept firing spells, and Harvard kept firing them right back, until Malfoy collapsed and gave in. |
"Well bite my taint! I have all of the powers of Voldemort, and you're just a little first year! How is it that you are able to match my epic battle skills? Not even Harry Potter could have done that his first year!" |
Harvard Potholder looked down at Malfoy and explained: "The reason is quite simple - it has to do with my parents!" |
Malfoy was stunned. "Your parents?" |
Harvard nodded. "Yes. You see, I was not conceived the normal way a boy is conceived. You may have heard rumors of my immaculate conception, but that is not factually accurate. |
You see, my Mother was actually a death eater, and was present at the final battle that destroyed both Harry Potter and Crazy V. |
As it so happened, that battle occurred at the exact time of the month when she was most fertile, and at the end of the battle when Harry was killed, some of his DNA splattered her, |
As it so happened, that battle occurred at the exact time of the month when she was most fertile, and at the end of the battle when Harry was killed, some of his DNA splattered her, |
which would not have made much of an impact on anything, except that Harry's death blow hit Voldemort right in the groin, and so when his DNA also hit my mother, |
which would not have made much of an impact on anything, except that Harry's death blow hit Voldemort right in the groin, and so when his DNA also hit my mother, |
it was just the right combination of bodily fluids that she became impregnated by a lucky genetic mix of both Harry and Volly. So while you have the power of Voldemort, I have the combined powers of both Harry AND Crazy V!" |
it was just the right combination of bodily fluids that she became impregnated by a lucky genetic mix of both Harry and Volly. So while you have the power of Voldemort, I have the combined powers of both Harry AND Crazy V!" |
"Oh snap!" said Malfoy, and he was right. |
Malfoy would have been killed in a big- ass explosion, but just then Rombus hit Harvard in the head with a stone. |
Malfoy would have been killed in a big- ass explosion, but just then Rombus hit Harvard in the head with a stone. |
Why? Don't ask me - he's an idiot, and it was a convenient plot device to make Harvard distracted long enough that Malfoy could escape. |
Harvard, Rombus, and Herpesia all went up the hospital wing to get checked out, and Mallory was kicked out of Hogwarts for the rest of the term for being bad, |
Chapter Five Epilogue |
and Professor Plunkerton was accidentally cooked into a stew, because he really did look like a mushroom. Seriously, don't judge - you would have made the same mistake. |
Gryffindor won the house cup due to a bunch of points being thrown their way for saving the day again, |
Gryffindor won the house cup due to a bunch of points being thrown their way for saving the day again, |
and everyone headed home to await the next book in the series, which hopefully will not come if I can get out of this contract. |
The moral of the story is, kids, don't sign contracts while drinking. |
The End |
www.NathanielJones.com |
The moral of the story is, kids, don't sign contracts while drinking. |
The End |
www.NathanielJones.com |
ActionScript [AS1/AS2]
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Symbol 182 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 183 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 184 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 185 Text | Uses:1 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 186 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 187 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 188 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 189 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 190 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 191 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 192 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 193 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 194 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 195 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 196 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 197 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 198 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 199 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 200 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 201 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 202 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 203 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 204 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 205 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 206 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 207 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 208 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 209 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 210 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 211 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 212 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 213 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 214 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 215 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 216 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 217 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 218 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 219 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 220 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 221 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 222 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 223 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 224 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 225 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 226 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 227 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 228 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 229 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 230 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 231 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 232 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 233 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 234 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 235 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 236 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 237 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 238 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 239 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 240 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 241 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 242 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 243 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 244 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 245 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 246 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 247 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 248 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 249 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 250 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 251 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 252 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 253 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 254 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 255 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 256 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 257 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 258 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 259 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 260 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 261 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 262 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 263 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 264 Text | Uses:1 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 265 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 266 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 267 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 268 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 269 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 270 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 271 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 272 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 273 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 274 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 275 Graphic | Used by:Timeline | |
Symbol 276 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 277 Text | Uses:1 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 278 Text | Uses:1 7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 279 Text | Uses:7 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 280 Text | Uses:1 | Used by:Timeline |
Symbol 281 Text | Uses:1 7 | Used by:Timeline |
Streaming Sound 1 | Used by:Timeline |
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