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Legends of Hogwarts

The Contractually Obligated Spin Off
From the Harry Potter Series

Nathaniel Jones Presents

When last we left Harry Potter,
he was dead, and ain't that a bitch.

Prologue

In a valiant
attempt to end the
Reign of Terror of
Voldemort once and
for all, Harry and
Crazy V fought an
epic battle that
resulted in Harry
being killed by a
Hitherto Unknown
Curse,

In a valiant
attempt to end the
Reign of Terror of
Voldemort once and
for all, Harry and
Crazy V fought an
epic battle that
resulted in Harry
being killed by a
Hitherto Unknown
Curse,

and in the last moment of his life, Harry
destroyed Voldemort by shooting a spell
of his own straight to the groin,

resulting in a big-ass explosion that
ended the rise of the Death Eaters, who
then went back to their day jobs, and
things at Hogwarts went back to normal,

resulting in a big-ass explosion that
ended the rise of the Death Eaters, who
then went back to their day jobs, and
things at Hogwarts went back to normal,

with Dumbledore (transformed into an Obi-
Wan Kenobe-style ghost) back at his
position of headmaster, and Snape as a
pile of exploded  bits in the ground,

with Dumbledore (transformed into an Obi-
Wan Kenobe-style ghost) back at his
position of headmaster, and Snape as a
pile of exploded  bits in the ground,

where he was deposited after being killed
by Volly for trying to interfere in his
killing o' Harry.

where he was deposited after being killed
by Volly for trying to interfere in his
killing o' Harry.

In other parts of the world, the Weasleys
were living the good life after Ron made
it big as a German Pop Sensation,

In other parts of the world, the Weasleys
were living the good life after Ron made
it big as a German Pop Sensation,

and Hermione was indulging in all her
secret fantasies while living in a cove
of lesbian nymphs, and Everybody was
Living Happily Ever After.

and Hermione was indulging in all her
secret fantasies while living in a cove
of lesbian nymphs, and Everybody was
Living Happily Ever After.

... Or so it would seem.

In a mansion high atop one of the more
secluded hills in England, author J.K.
Rowling was enjoying her retirement, when
she heard a knock on the door.

In a mansion high atop one of the more
secluded hills in England, author J.K.
Rowling was enjoying her retirement, when
she heard a knock on the door.

Being a
considerate
women not
prone to
ignoring
visitiors, she
got up from
her chair and
opened the
door, hoping
to find a
pizza, but
instead
finding Hugo
Profillot, her
literary
agent,

Being a
considerate
women not
prone to
ignoring
visitiors, she
got up from
her chair and
opened the
door, hoping
to find a
pizza, but
instead
finding Hugo
Profillot, her
literary
agent,

At this
moment, he was
an unwanted
guest, and so
she tried to
close the door
to pretend
that she was
not in, but
unfortunately,
Hugo is a
clever man, in
addition to
being a huge
twit, and was
not fooled.

Her plan to
avoid detection
thwarted,
Rowling had no
choice but to
let him in and
hear him out.

"Ms. Rowling, I come bearing a message
from the publishers. They were quite
dissapointed to hear that you had killed
off your two main characters, and further
upset when they discovered that you had
turned Hermione into a lesbian, and Ron
into a German Pop Sensation -

"Ms. Rowling, I come bearing a message
from the publishers. They were quite
dissapointed to hear that you had killed
off your two main characters, and further
upset when they discovered that you had
turned Hermione into a lesbian, and Ron
into a German Pop Sensation -

the religious right had been going into
hysterics and demanding that we make the
books with special paper that can be
burned multiple times for each of its
major offenses."

the religious right had been going into
hysterics and demanding that we make the
books with special paper that can be
burned multiple times for each of its
major offenses."

"Mr. Profillot, you
can tell the
publishers that I
respectfully
request them to
suck my balls,
metaphorically. In
'Harry Potter and
the End of the
Series,' I simply
wrapped up every
story line that had
been begun in the
first six books in
exactly the way
that things were
going -

if the publishers
couldn't tell that
Hermione was a
lesbian and that
Ron was destined to
become a German Pop
Sensation, which I
find difficult to
believe seeing as
how blatantly
obvious it all was,
that is no fault of
mine.

And as for the
deaths of the main
characters, that
was planned all
along as well -
they knew going in
that there would
only be seven
books."

"Yes, but what you seem to have forgotten
was that when you first signed your
contract, the publisher got you drunk and
snuck past a clause that said that should
the books become successful,

"Yes, but what you seem to have forgotten
was that when you first signed your
contract, the publisher got you drunk and
snuck past a clause that said that should
the books become successful,

you would be forced to continue writing
books in the series until that cash cow
is completely dry, and if you do not
comply, they'll sue the pants off you,
and then sell those pants on eBay."

Rowling was devastated, for she really
loves her pants. Since her nice pants
were up against a wall, she agreed to
continue the series with a line of books
called:

Rowling was devastated, for she really
loves her pants. Since her nice pants
were up against a wall, she agreed to
continue the series with a line of books
called:

Legends of Hogwarts

The Contractually Obligated Spin Off
From the Harry Potter Series

Chapter One
Ten Years After the Death
of Harry Potter

Mallory Driscoll, her
bright blonde hair combed
perfectly straight down to
her shoulders, stared out
the window of the train as
it pulled away from Track
9 ¾.

Her kitten, Chimera,
purred menacingly in her
lap as she stroked its fur.

She listened to the sound of her new
classmates laughing and playing outside
and in the next cabin and a flash of
hatred crossed her eye. She continued to
stroke her pussycat, and glared at the
unseen figures making the joyful sounds,
until a group of three of them burst in
quite unexpectedly.

She listened to the sound of her new
classmates laughing and playing outside
and in the next cabin and a flash of
hatred crossed her eye. She continued to
stroke her pussycat, and glared at the
unseen figures making the joyful sounds,
until a group of three of them burst in
quite unexpectedly.

There in her cabin stood three other
first year students: Herpesia Granville,
a small, mousy girl, Rombus Wellington, a
shabby looking boy with bright red hair
and freckles wearing a hand-me-down robe,

There in her cabin stood three other
first year students: Herpesia Granville,
a small, mousy girl, Rombus Wellington, a
shabby looking boy with bright red hair
and freckles wearing a hand-me-down robe,

and who she could only assume was the
legendary Harvard Potholder, a boy
rumored to have been immaculately
conceived, and sure to take his place as
the New Harry Potter - she could tell by
the distinctive flame scar on his
forehead.

The three first years stared at Mallory,
and Mallory stared back at them, and they
each realized how wonderful any one of
them would be to own as an Action Figure.

The three first years stared at Mallory,
and Mallory stared back at them, and they
each realized how wonderful any one of
them would be to own as an Action Figure.

They stared at each other for the
remainder of the journey, and by the end
it was rather awkward, and Rombus wished
he had a cookie. Mallory had an extra
cookie in her bag, but Rombus didn't know
this, and did not ask for it.

Not that it would have mattered, because
Mallory wouldn't have given it to him
anyway. Mallory isn't friendly like that.

Not that it would have mattered, because
Mallory wouldn't have given it to him
anyway. Mallory isn't friendly like that.

When the train at last pulled into
Hogwarts, the students departed the train
- but not before Mallory spit on them all
and declared her opposition to mudbloods
and wished that the Death Eaters had
succeeded

and how much she really wished she could
have been around while Voldemort was
alive, just in case anyone hadn't caught
on yet to how she fits into this new
series.

At the big opening gala
celebration, Dumbledore introduced
the new Defense Against the Dark
Arts professor, Fizzle Plunkerton,

Chapter Two
Defense Against the Dark Arts

a man so ill-equipped to deal with any
threat of the Dark Arts variety that it
had taken seventeen consecutive years of
failed Defense Against the Dark Arts
teachers to get to his name on the list.

Dumbledore asked the students to warmly
welcome him, and do their best to see
that he survives the year, because the
next name on the list after his was a
pencil.

After all the
formalities of
introducing the
rest of the
faculty, and a
hearty meal, it
was time to sort
the new students
into their
houses. The
sorting hat was
brought out, and
they did that
whole deal like
usual -

After all the
formalities of
introducing the
rest of the
faculty, and a
hearty meal, it
was time to sort
the new students
into their
houses. The
sorting hat was
brought out, and
they did that
whole deal like
usual -

come on, I don't
have to really
spell it out for
you do I? The
three heroes went
into Gryffindor,
and Mallory went
into Slytherin.
That's all you
need to know, and
you probably knew
it all ready.

come on, I don't
have to really
spell it out for
you do I? The
three heroes went
into Gryffindor,
and Mallory went
into Slytherin.
That's all you
need to know, and
you probably knew
it all ready.

Why do I
have to
waste my
time with
this obvious
chapter?
Contractual
Obligation,
I suppose.
Damn lawyers
and their
asses.

Once they had settled into
their rooms and things, it was
time for the school year to get
underway. The classes were
difficult, but thanks to Herpesia,
Harvard and Rombus were able to
cheat enough to scrape by through
most of them.

Chapter Three
Standard Boilerplate Plotline

They would have had better grades, but
they did not have time to do their
homework because they had to spend all of
their free time investigating the
Suspicious Activities of Mallory
Driscoll, who they were convinced was up
to no good.

They would have had better grades, but
they did not have time to do their
homework because they had to spend all of
their free time investigating the
Suspicious Activities of Mallory
Driscoll, who they were convinced was up
to no good.

They began to be suspicious of her when
she started throwing rotten fruit at all
the students who weren't of pure blood,
wore a Dark Mark armband all the time,
and put up posters advertising her "bring
Voldemort back to power" club.

They began to be suspicious of her when
she started throwing rotten fruit at all
the students who weren't of pure blood,
wore a Dark Mark armband all the time,
and put up posters advertising her "bring
Voldemort back to power" club.

As they compiled their list of evidence
against her, they also had to deal with
the new Potions Master, Professor Pains
(note how if you say 'Pains' backwards it
sounds like 'Snape?' That ain't no
coincidence, kids!) always interfering in
their investigation.

As they compiled their list of evidence
against her, they also had to deal with
the new Potions Master, Professor Pains
(note how if you say 'Pains' backwards it
sounds like 'Snape?' That ain't no
coincidence, kids!) always interfering in
their investigation.

They were pretty convinced that he, too,
was part of the former Death Eaters, but
Dumbledore's ghost wouldn't hear a word
of it. Harvard pointed out that the last
guy he ignored warnings about actually
killed him, Dumbledore poo-pooed him,

and when Harvard pointed out that since
Dumbledore's already dead maybe he should
worry more about the alive people running
around than his own feelings, Dumbledore
poo-pooed him again, and Harvard was
ticked about the amount of poo-poo he had
to deal with around this place.

As the school year went on, Harvard grew
closer to the Defense Against the Dark
Arts professor, and with his guidance he
learned a new spell that would,
coincidentally, be the exact spell he
needs to know at the end of the book so
that he can defeat the villain,

and Mallory gets closer and closer to her
secret goal which Harvard, Herpesia, and
Rombus have discovered involves a secret
forbidden potion that gives whoever
drinks it the powers equal to whoever the
potion is based on,

and Mallory gets closer and closer to her
secret goal which Harvard, Herpesia, and
Rombus have discovered involves a secret
forbidden potion that gives whoever
drinks it the powers equal to whoever the
potion is based on,

and so they figured out that she was
planning on drinking the potion so that
she could take on the role of Voldemort
in the neo-death eater movement.

and so they figured out that she was
planning on drinking the potion so that
she could take on the role of Voldemort
in the neo-death eater movement.

Since they have no help from Dumbledore,
Harvard convinces Plunkerton to believe
him, and when he questions Mallory about
it, she kills him in a most obvious saw-
it-coming-a-mile-away manner,

and somewhere far away a pencil began to
celebrate as he knew his day as professor
had come at last.

and somewhere far away a pencil began to
celebrate as he knew his day as professor
had come at last.

Harvard, having heard no word from
Plunkerton about what he found out,
decide to go investigate, and found
himself stuck smack dab in the middle of:

Harvard, having heard no word from
Plunkerton about what he found out,
decide to go investigate, and found
himself stuck smack dab in the middle of:

Harvard, having heard no word from
Plunkerton about what he found out,
decided to go investigate, and found
himself stuck smack dab in the middle of:

Harvard, having heard no word from
Plunkerton about what he found out,
decided to go investigate, and found
himself stuck smack dab in the middle of:

Harvard stared at the
shriveled mushroom that moments
before had been the ever-so-
inspirational Professor Plunkerton,
and he knew that it must have been
Mallory's doing.

Chapter Four
Obligitory Twist Ending
With Room for a Sequal

Herpesia and Rombus had to agree, and
they used the Marauder's Map, which they
had found in hiding, to track Mallory's
movements, and traced her down a secret
flight of stairs to a Forbidden Dungeon
deep underneath of the Slytherin sleeping
quarters.

Herpesia and Rombus had to agree, and
they used the Marauder's Map, which they
had found in hiding, to track Mallory's
movements, and traced her down a secret
flight of stairs to a Forbidden Dungeon
deep underneath of the Slytherin sleeping
quarters.

With careful steps, the three heroes had
to use all of the new spells and clever
tricks they had learned in their first
year at Hogwarts to outwit the traps that
Mallory had placed behind her,

With careful steps, the three heroes had
to use all of the new spells and clever
tricks they had learned in their first
year at Hogwarts to outwit the traps that
Mallory had placed behind her,

until eventually they discovered her
placing various chemicals and ingredients
into a large vat, and Harvard knew from
the intense pain in his scar that she was
creating a potion that would give the
drinker of it all of the power of
Voldemort,

until eventually they discovered her
placing various chemicals and ingredients
into a large vat, and Harvard knew from
the intense pain in his scar that she was
creating a potion that would give the
drinker of it all of the power of
Voldemort,

and he felt worse than a monkey's ass
stuck to your cheek on a hot day in The
South.

As Mallory completed the potion, she
lifted it up and began to cackle
maniacally, Harvard used his great skills
to knock the vat of potion onto the
ground, where her cat Chimera proceeded
to lap it up.

As Mallory completed the potion, she
lifted it up and began to cackle
maniacally, Harvard used his great skills
to knock the vat of potion onto the
ground, where her cat Chimera proceeded
to lap it up.

Mallory looked back at them, stunned that
they could have gotten through her traps,
but she declared that they were already
too late, and then Chimera did something
really unexpected: It began to change
shape, and took on human form!

Mallory looked back at them, stunned that
they could have gotten through her traps,
but she declared that they were already
too late, and then Chimera did something
really unexpected: It began to change
shape, and took on human form!

It wasn't a cat at all, but an animagus!
And you'll never guess who that animagus
was:

It wasn't a cat at all, but an animagus!
And you'll never guess who that animagus
was:

it was none other than Mallory Driscoll's
dear cousin, Draco Malfoy! He had used
his cat-like appearance to sneak into the
school so that he could begin again with
his father's work,

and since he had, as the cat, consumed
the potion, he suddenly found himself
with all of the strength of Voldemort
himself.

Draco fired spell after spell at Harvard,
but Harvard deflected every single one,
sending spell after spell right back
towards Malfoy. Malfoy was PO'd.

Draco fired spell after spell at Harvard,
but Harvard deflected every single one,
sending spell after spell right back
towards Malfoy. Malfoy was PO'd.

He kept firing spells, and Harvard kept
firing them right back, until Malfoy
collapsed and gave in.

"Well bite my taint! I have all of the
powers of Voldemort, and you're just a
little first year! How is it that you are
able to match my epic battle skills? Not
even Harry Potter could have done that
his first year!"

Harvard Potholder looked down at Malfoy
and explained: "The reason is quite
simple - it has to do with my parents!"

Malfoy was stunned. "Your parents?"

Harvard nodded. "Yes. You see, I was not
conceived the normal way a boy is
conceived. You may have heard rumors of
my immaculate conception, but that is not
factually accurate.

You see, my Mother was actually a death
eater, and was present at the final
battle that destroyed both Harry Potter
and Crazy V.

As it so happened, that battle occurred
at the exact time of the month when she
was most fertile, and at the end of the
battle when Harry was killed, some of his
DNA splattered her,

As it so happened, that battle occurred
at the exact time of the month when she
was most fertile, and at the end of the
battle when Harry was killed, some of his
DNA splattered her,

which would not have made much of an
impact on anything, except that Harry's
death blow hit Voldemort right in the
groin, and so when his DNA also hit my
mother,

which would not have made much of an
impact on anything, except that Harry's
death blow hit Voldemort right in the
groin, and so when his DNA also hit my
mother,

it was just the right combination of
bodily fluids that she became impregnated
by a lucky genetic mix of both Harry and
Volly. So while you have the power of
Voldemort, I have the combined powers of
both Harry AND Crazy V!"

it was just the right combination of
bodily fluids that she became impregnated
by a lucky genetic mix of both Harry and
Volly. So while you have the power of
Voldemort, I have the combined powers of
both Harry AND Crazy V!"

"Oh snap!" said Malfoy, and he was right.

Malfoy would have been killed in a big-
ass explosion, but just then Rombus hit
Harvard in the head with a stone.

Malfoy would have been killed in a big-
ass explosion, but just then Rombus hit
Harvard in the head with a stone.

Why? Don't
ask me - he's
an idiot, and
it was a
convenient
plot device
to make
Harvard
distracted
long enough
that Malfoy
could escape.

Harvard, Rombus, and Herpesia
all went up the hospital wing to
get checked out, and Mallory was
kicked out of Hogwarts for the rest
of the term for being bad,

Chapter Five
Epilogue

and Professor Plunkerton was accidentally
cooked into a stew, because he really did
look like a mushroom.
Seriously, don't judge - you would have
made the same mistake.

Gryffindor won the house cup due to a
bunch of points being thrown their way
for saving the day again,

Gryffindor won the house cup due to a
bunch of points being thrown their way
for saving the day again,

and everyone headed home to await the
next book in the series, which hopefully
will not come if I can get out of this
contract.

The moral of the story is, kids, don't
sign contracts while drinking.

The End

www.NathanielJones.com

The moral of the story is, kids, don't
sign contracts while drinking.

The End

www.NathanielJones.com

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Created: 15/5 -2019 01:58:38 Last modified: 15/5 -2019 01:58:38 Server time: 09/05 -2024 19:23:47